Boy oh boy has it been a long time?! All of August was atrocious for me at the office. Needless to say I am still recuperating. Here’s what you’ve missed (and then some) -
I’ve started Fantasy Dog Racing. Pops said he had never heard of such a thing. Well of course not and that would be because I invented it. I’m getting my jollies in the evenings by watching the dogs race (you can watch online for free at http://www.derbylane.com/ and we all know FREE is for ME!!). I’m schooling now before I head back out to the track. I want to be a pro. When we went to the Dog Track I saw this chick who you could tell knew what she was doing. She didn’t look anywhere near as good as me (not many can compare) but I have to say it was hot as hell to watch that woman in motion. I love seeing women do things that are historically considered manly. There’s something about women playing pool. I don’t know what it is. When I was younger I had to go to the Boys’ & Girls’ Club after school where I learned to shoot pool. Pops would take me up to the Cue Club when I was 12 or so to ‘hone’ my skills. I can honestly say I’ve gone out once or twice with exes to play a few racks and have left them surprised. They never thought I would win so we’d bet ‘sexual favors’ – next time I’m shooting for dough. I wanna be a hustler. That’s hot.
I felt a tinge of jealousy today when Deb (not step-mom Debbie M****** but she’s a Deb M. as well – A/K/A Evil Bride Vibe) told me she had been ordained a minister by the Universal Life Church. Being that I didn’t want to be left behind, I too applied for ordination at the Universal Life Church headquartered in Modesto California. And by ‘APPLY’ I mean I pressed the button that said ‘ORDAIN ME.’ Why become ordained? I can now perform weddings (I could already do this since I’m a notary), funerals, baptisms and other functions of the clergy. I can also begin my own ministry! Mary keeps telling me that I’m going to hell, but alas, she is severely mistaken. As the minister of my own ministry I set the rules. What I say goes in the House of Daniellism. The Universal Life Church not only ordains ministers but allows you to obtain degrees as well. I am currently looking into the Doctor of Philosophy in Religion degree. Don’t forget I was going back to school to major in Philosophy or Religion so this falls right in line with my life goals, and for a mere $100 (verses the $20k+ I would have to pay at a state university) it is way more cost effective. All I need to do now is click the ADD TO SHOPPING CART button and you’ll be calling me Dr. M******! For $69 I can obtain my Masters in Religion (I’ll pay the extra $31 for my doctorate); $59 gets you the Doctor of Biblical Studies (this is sacrilegious to me – I’ll pass on this degree); $40 for Doctor of Religious Science; $29 Doctor of Divinity; $29 Doctor of Metaphysics (for future reference please visit http://www.ulc.net/ for complete and detailed pricing and available products). There are tons of other things you can buy at this place – my favorites being the titles at only 10 bucks a piece! My name will read: E. DANIELLE M******, PH.D, TVE, AA, UPAR (PH.D = Philosophy Doctorate; TVE = the Very Esteemed; AA = Archangel; UPAR (Universal Philosopher in Absolute Reality). HOW FUCKING GREAT IS THIS?
And finally a brief discussion on someone who needs me as a life coach - Britney Spears. Her sad and trashtastic performance last night at the VMAs is all the talk around the water cooler today. She is a big ol' mess. On her physical appearance - I thought her face looked FABULOUS! Whoever spackled that goat did a helluva great job! As for her body - I didn't think it was all that bad. Granted she's not tight and toned like she once was but hell, I'd kill to have the body she was dancing(?) around in last night. I'm still trying to figure out who let her go on Dateline (with my beloved Matt Lauer) sans handlers. That was the first showing of many horrific weaves (this was pre-bald Britney and she had no excuse being in front of the camera with what looked like a dead animal on her head), plus her fake lashes weren't being properly glued on and her make up rivaled that of a cheap streetwalker. I really feel sorry for her y'all. But props to Sarah Silverman calling her kids two of the cutest mistakes you've ever seen. BURN!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Road Closures - UPDATED!
We heard that the people were late leaving the church (3p). When Mary said I could leave I hauled ass. As I was turning onto Lakeview I looked ahead and saw the flashing lights coming toward me. Thank goodness I left when I did! So here I am at home, doing exactly what I would be doing at work - hitting the send/receive button repetitively in the email while watching the procession online. Jeepers creepers the procession is massive. When the last car of the was leaving Idlewild the first car was passing the Dog Track (for those of you avid readers not familiar with the distances here, they are over 11 miles apart)(speaking of the Dog Track - we went Saturday night - the last night the dogs were racing EVER! D got her bet on.)). This thing is like a train wreck - I don;t understand why I;m even watching it. I simply cannot take my eyes off it (it's in picture in a picture as I type). Channel 8 has a live feed and all you hear are the camera peoples' comments - actually it's pretty funny. It would be really funny if the lead car made a wrong turn.
Road Closures
So I already know I’m going to hell so I’ll go ahead and post this.
Basically all major roads in North Tampa are closed from 3p – 6p for some dead cop’s funeral procession. I understand that he was some decorated guy and that he was killed for no reason but hell, I was going to work from home this afternoon and if by some stoke of God I happened to get loan documents I was gonna come back to the office to work on them. I can leave right now and go home but I won’t be able to get back if I need to. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Basically all major roads in North Tampa are closed from 3p – 6p for some dead cop’s funeral procession. I understand that he was some decorated guy and that he was killed for no reason but hell, I was going to work from home this afternoon and if by some stoke of God I happened to get loan documents I was gonna come back to the office to work on them. I can leave right now and go home but I won’t be able to get back if I need to. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Family Newsletter
Everyone has been asking how the newest addition to the family is doing. Anubis is doing absolutely wonderful! He's almost 5 months now and has just hit that 35 pound mark the breeder said he wouldn't go too much farther than. Here's a not recent picture of the lad taken about 2 weeks ago. He's at least 10 pounds heavier and comes just below my knee as of today.
Anubis Emmanuel Lewis in
SHANGHAI EXPRESS
Danielle Don't Do
In the late 80s – early 90s an athlete by the name of Bo Jackson (no silly, not Mr. Bojangles, but I think they were both people of color?) was endorsed by Nike. Bo played both professional football and baseball. Nike released a slew of commercials with the slogan Bo Knows. Bo Knows Football. Bo Knows Baseball. Bo Knows Tennis. (Bo now knows 20 years later nobody knows who Bo is.) I’d like to expand that concept with a little segment I like to call Danielle Don’t Do.
Everyone has things they hate doing and they’ll attempt to avoid these things at all costs unless humanly necessary. You may have a fear of spiders and alas, one day you find a big one in the house that you have to trap and/or kill. You don’t want to do this, you’d rather not, but you have to get rid of the arachnid. Or maybe you don’t swallow but there’s a new man in your life you’re trying to impress. As much as you loathe that thick, salty, mucus like substance slithering down your throat, you take one for the team and pray you don’t gag. Everyone has things they simply Don’t Do.
Danielle Don’t Do Cleaning
I refuse to take full responsibility (or any!) for my inability to keep ‘clean’. The inside of my house is a disaster with its own nickname – Danielle’s Den of Dirt, Dust & Debris. My yard is horrific and severely under kept. My pool is usually a deep shade of green (it was blue a few weeks ago but now has a yellowish tint). I never learned the concept of cleaning when I was younger for a few reasons. First and foremost, I was an only child/grandchild. I was raised by my grandmother (SHOUT OUT TO ABUELITA!) as the daughter she always wanted. As horrible as it sounds, what I wanted I got. Secondly, my grandmother worked as a maid. She cleaned houses all day and her job easily filtered into her duties at home (Please don’t call me spoiled – I may not have been taught how to clean house but I was taught how to be a strong and independent woman.). Being we can’t close real estate transactions during daylight, I had a few extra hours at work I needed to take off. As joyous as this may sound, it was not. I cleaned my bathroom. It hadn’t been cleaned since I took vacation last September. Somehow Isis got locked in there Friday night and ripped up everything she could sink her teeth into (she didn't make a sound mind you - I didn't realize she was in there until 4am).
I WARN YOU NOW - My bathroom scares people - clean or dirty. I tend to get the most shock when it's clean being it looks like a bottle of Pepto-Bismol exploded. Who would have thought me with a pink, princess bathroom?
AFTER:
AFTER (Now with Shower Storage!):
BEFORE (beauty products galore):
AFTER (Where did it all go?! Why in the new Shower Storage of course!):
Everyone has things they hate doing and they’ll attempt to avoid these things at all costs unless humanly necessary. You may have a fear of spiders and alas, one day you find a big one in the house that you have to trap and/or kill. You don’t want to do this, you’d rather not, but you have to get rid of the arachnid. Or maybe you don’t swallow but there’s a new man in your life you’re trying to impress. As much as you loathe that thick, salty, mucus like substance slithering down your throat, you take one for the team and pray you don’t gag. Everyone has things they simply Don’t Do.
Danielle Don’t Do Cleaning
I refuse to take full responsibility (or any!) for my inability to keep ‘clean’. The inside of my house is a disaster with its own nickname – Danielle’s Den of Dirt, Dust & Debris. My yard is horrific and severely under kept. My pool is usually a deep shade of green (it was blue a few weeks ago but now has a yellowish tint). I never learned the concept of cleaning when I was younger for a few reasons. First and foremost, I was an only child/grandchild. I was raised by my grandmother (SHOUT OUT TO ABUELITA!) as the daughter she always wanted. As horrible as it sounds, what I wanted I got. Secondly, my grandmother worked as a maid. She cleaned houses all day and her job easily filtered into her duties at home (Please don’t call me spoiled – I may not have been taught how to clean house but I was taught how to be a strong and independent woman.). Being we can’t close real estate transactions during daylight, I had a few extra hours at work I needed to take off. As joyous as this may sound, it was not. I cleaned my bathroom. It hadn’t been cleaned since I took vacation last September. Somehow Isis got locked in there Friday night and ripped up everything she could sink her teeth into (she didn't make a sound mind you - I didn't realize she was in there until 4am).
I WARN YOU NOW - My bathroom scares people - clean or dirty. I tend to get the most shock when it's clean being it looks like a bottle of Pepto-Bismol exploded. Who would have thought me with a pink, princess bathroom?
BEFORE (with the floor half-assedly swept prior to picture taking):
AFTER:
AFTER (Now with Shower Storage!):
BEFORE (beauty products galore):
AFTER (Where did it all go?! Why in the new Shower Storage of course!):
Oh thank you, thank you everyone. You really like me! This couldn't be possible without me being single and living alone in a two bathroom house! Oh yeah, and God! No award is ever possible without God!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
D's Book Club - A Clockwork Orange
I’m trying my damnedest to get through this book, I really am, but I’m only a few pages in and I don’t understand. No, I mean I really don’t understand – an excerpt below:
Our pockets were full of deng, so there was no real need from the point of view of crasting any more pretty polly to tolchock some old veck in an alley and viddy him swim in his blood while we counted the takings and divided by four, nor to do the ultra-violent on some shivering starry grey-haired ptitsa in a shop and go smecking off with the till’s guts.
In (American) English – the hoodlums have dough in their pockets so they don’t need to roll an old man or hold up some broad for loot.
This book is now on sabbatical.
Our pockets were full of deng, so there was no real need from the point of view of crasting any more pretty polly to tolchock some old veck in an alley and viddy him swim in his blood while we counted the takings and divided by four, nor to do the ultra-violent on some shivering starry grey-haired ptitsa in a shop and go smecking off with the till’s guts.
In (American) English – the hoodlums have dough in their pockets so they don’t need to roll an old man or hold up some broad for loot.
This book is now on sabbatical.
Random Quote from Michelle...
Back in my good old elementary school days we learned about McGruff the Crime Dog and Me-ology. Not having kids myself, I asked Michelle if her kid was learning that stuff in school. She says:
The police and firefighters are always coming out to the rec center during the summer for presentations. About 2 years ago, Luke came home with a shiny plastic police “badge”. He was sooo excited. I asked if everyone got one and he said, “No, just me. I raised my hand when they asked if we knew anyone who did drugs. I told them you and daddy do.” After I picked my jaw up off the floor he told me how they talked to him on the side and he told them we smoke cigarettes and drink beer. I kept waiting for the po-po to bust in the door, but they never did. I think they really need to clarify the difference in LEGAL and ILLEGAL drugs.
~edited by Danielle for BAD SPELLING
The police and firefighters are always coming out to the rec center during the summer for presentations. About 2 years ago, Luke came home with a shiny plastic police “badge”. He was sooo excited. I asked if everyone got one and he said, “No, just me. I raised my hand when they asked if we knew anyone who did drugs. I told them you and daddy do.” After I picked my jaw up off the floor he told me how they talked to him on the side and he told them we smoke cigarettes and drink beer. I kept waiting for the po-po to bust in the door, but they never did. I think they really need to clarify the difference in LEGAL and ILLEGAL drugs.
~edited by Danielle for BAD SPELLING
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