The new site of danielleisonline.com has officially been launched. It will be the premier place to be on the web!
Again, I am asking for contributions by guest writers - but only the funny ones, please.
I asked the Evil Bride Vibe (EBV) to recap Tom Cruise's Unauthorized Biography. Her reply:
I was afraid the book was going to be as lame as Tom Cruise probably is in real life.
It is.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
And I'm Off!
I received a reply from Mr. Robert Blake the 10th who does not appear to be down with my dinner proposal. Apparently he prefers bar food over a nice, steamy microwave dinner. Today the 'E' in E. Danielle stands for 'EFFORT' so I plan on heading down to the pub around 9p. Nine 'o clock? Is he outta his friggin' mind? That's almost bedtime. He's setting me up for failure.
On a lighter note, the new site has launched - kinda. Visit me at www.danielleisonline.com for this and a little more.
On a lighter note, the new site has launched - kinda. Visit me at www.danielleisonline.com for this and a little more.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Random Quote from Michelle
I've decided to commit a bit more time to the blog this year. This is not something I can do alone - I need your help! I am taking suggestions, so if there's anything you want me to comment on, read and review, or bitch about, let me know.
With that being typed, I have solicited Michelle for some words of wisdom (the Random Quotes from Michelle segments are one of my favorites). She gives me this:
"If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?"
That’s lame, but I’ll let you know the next time I’ve got something insightful. It shouldn’t be long.
Sorry, but yeah, that's lame.
With that being typed, I have solicited Michelle for some words of wisdom (the Random Quotes from Michelle segments are one of my favorites). She gives me this:
"If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?"
That’s lame, but I’ll let you know the next time I’ve got something insightful. It shouldn’t be long.
Sorry, but yeah, that's lame.
To Robert Blake the 10th
This is an open letter to all those through out the years who have extended an olive branch to me only to have to snapped into a twig right before their very eyes.
Dear Robert Blake:
How are you?
Let me start off by saying I’ve had a marvelous time getting to know you (who knew you were a closet ice skating fan and in lust with Johnny Weir?!). When I think about the times we chatted on the phone I have no choice but to giggle (as you recall, Erin really likes ‘em real and artificial – to this day I’m still not 100% how she likes ‘em). You listened to my ramblings (as that’s all most are allowed to do, listen, in silence) and laughed along with me (or at me, politely). You let me into your world and told me about your bitter rivalry with Dylan Bright. You liked me. You really liked me.
You tried to get me out of my comfort zone on more than one occasion, sadly, to no avail.
I saw you sent me a message back in October. I left it there, unread in my inbox, as a reminder to reply as soon as I ‘found’ the time. I can make a thousand excuses on why I have neglected to look for this time (work, family) but they are all the same, excuses. Alas, I finally ‘found’ it last week and replied, hoping to make contact, to no avail.
I am a horribly selfish person. I’ve realized if there is one constant in life, if there is one thing in abundance, it is time. Time is not of the physical – it cannot be lost, therefore it cannot be found – it can only be made. It is the art of making time which eludes me. To ‘make’ time for someone is to give up a little piece of yourself, to reduce the selfishness, if only for a few brief moments. I am manic depressive (another excuse) as I am notorious for canceling the plans I make with people. One minute, I’m ready to give up minutes, if not hours. The next, I’m too selfish to let go of seconds.
I wanted to apologize to you, Robert Blake. You made time for me and I was too wrapped up in my own existence to reciprocate what you tried to give me.
I am extending an olive branch to you in hopes you will not annihilate it to a splinter. I would like to invite you over for dinner sometime next week (Mar. 3rd – Mar. 7th). I’ll even let you pick your own TV dinner.
Your Friend:Danielle
P.S. I have gone back, read this, and determined this is probably the cheesiest and most poorly written thing I have ever authored, but I hope it will serve it’s purpose.
P.P.S. Even though this is an open letter, the dinner invite is extended to Robert Blake the 10th only. My sincerest apologizes to Robert Blake’s 1 – 9.
Dear Robert Blake:
How are you?
Let me start off by saying I’ve had a marvelous time getting to know you (who knew you were a closet ice skating fan and in lust with Johnny Weir?!). When I think about the times we chatted on the phone I have no choice but to giggle (as you recall, Erin really likes ‘em real and artificial – to this day I’m still not 100% how she likes ‘em). You listened to my ramblings (as that’s all most are allowed to do, listen, in silence) and laughed along with me (or at me, politely). You let me into your world and told me about your bitter rivalry with Dylan Bright. You liked me. You really liked me.
You tried to get me out of my comfort zone on more than one occasion, sadly, to no avail.
I saw you sent me a message back in October. I left it there, unread in my inbox, as a reminder to reply as soon as I ‘found’ the time. I can make a thousand excuses on why I have neglected to look for this time (work, family) but they are all the same, excuses. Alas, I finally ‘found’ it last week and replied, hoping to make contact, to no avail.
I am a horribly selfish person. I’ve realized if there is one constant in life, if there is one thing in abundance, it is time. Time is not of the physical – it cannot be lost, therefore it cannot be found – it can only be made. It is the art of making time which eludes me. To ‘make’ time for someone is to give up a little piece of yourself, to reduce the selfishness, if only for a few brief moments. I am manic depressive (another excuse) as I am notorious for canceling the plans I make with people. One minute, I’m ready to give up minutes, if not hours. The next, I’m too selfish to let go of seconds.
I wanted to apologize to you, Robert Blake. You made time for me and I was too wrapped up in my own existence to reciprocate what you tried to give me.
I am extending an olive branch to you in hopes you will not annihilate it to a splinter. I would like to invite you over for dinner sometime next week (Mar. 3rd – Mar. 7th). I’ll even let you pick your own TV dinner.
Your Friend:Danielle
P.S. I have gone back, read this, and determined this is probably the cheesiest and most poorly written thing I have ever authored, but I hope it will serve it’s purpose.
P.P.S. Even though this is an open letter, the dinner invite is extended to Robert Blake the 10th only. My sincerest apologizes to Robert Blake’s 1 – 9.
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...
My mother is planning a trip to Florida. Sheesh.
In case you forgot what my life was like last year, feel fresh to refresh your memory by using the links below. Fortunately, for you, they are memories. For me, they are horrendous flashbacks.
The Crazies (The Mother, Brother and Grandmother Come to Town)
http://danielleisonline.com/Your_Favorites.html
In case you forgot what my life was like last year, feel fresh to refresh your memory by using the links below. Fortunately, for you, they are memories. For me, they are horrendous flashbacks.
The Crazies (The Mother, Brother and Grandmother Come to Town)
http://danielleisonline.com/Your_Favorites.html
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Updates
1. The link to Harry Potter's (uncircumcised) willy has been fixed. You can now see him again in all of his full frontal glory.
2. Just bought Start Trek TNG Season 3 AND Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography. The latter will be recapped in a later post of D's Book Club.
2. Just bought Start Trek TNG Season 3 AND Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography. The latter will be recapped in a later post of D's Book Club.
Long time no blog..
I’m sorry for depriving everyone of my glorious presence for so long. I’ve been ‘ever’ so busy that I haven’t had time to reach out to my fans. By ‘ever’ I mean the horribly addicting game of EverQuest 2, also known in some circles as EverCrack. A few exes back got me hooked on it a couple of years ago. I took a lengthy hiatus from it but have returned with a vengeance. It’s bloody ridiculous the amount of time I’ve spent on that game. Ludicrous I tell you! I’ve quit watching TV. I’ve quit Harry Potter. It’s just me and EverCrack now, however, true to my nature, I’m starting to get tired of it (I’ve been playing for about 3 months), so I’m looking for my next fix. Suggestions?
I have been trying to do some reading – usually at work since I don’t have access to the game. Currently in the book bag - Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. I’ve been debating as to whether or not to recap this one in a D’s Book Club post (let me know if you want one). I must say I find this book very fascinating. Some of the concepts in the book are quite abstract but the scary thing is most of the concepts make sense. Now I am in no shape or form ready to quit my daily drug cocktail, however, I have been thinking about the possibilities of utilizing Dianetics in my life AND taking my scripts. Theoretically, I would be floating on Cloud Nine. Therefore I am going to try to find and erase all of the engrams which hinder my day to day life, ultimately making me a more rounded individual. I promise I will try not to get a ‘Scientolobatamy’ as Michelle calls it.
Boy it really has been a while. My mind is swimming in various rivers containing information I would like to express my opinion about but where to begin?
BRAD RENFROE
Horrific. It’s come out that he died of an accidental drug overdose of heroin. This absolutely breaks my heart. 25 years old – same age as my beloved Sean. They will never age.
HEATH LEDGER
This was shocking. Did you see the amount of shit he had in his system? He was toe’ the fuck up when we went out. Dayum.
BRITNEY SPEARS
..is a mess. Initially I thought she and her actions were truly pathetic but the media has really done a good job making me sympathetic toward her. I can’t even classify her as a train wreck because ‘train wreck’ does not express the magnitude of her fucked-up-ed-ness. Every train in North America would need to collide in order to come close to the monstrosity that is her existence. She is in desparate need of mental/medical help. She has spiriled herself into another dimension.
BARACK OBAMA/HILLARY CLINTON
My personal feeling is that if a democrat takes the White House after the next election there will be an assassination attempt on the new President. I'm sure there's some radical extremist in Arkansas who doesn’t want an woman or African American president. I don’t think my grandmother is ready for the latter. I was having dinner with the fam a few weeks ago and the dinner conversation turned toward politics.
DAD: What do you think about Obama?
GMA: I don’t think he should be in the White House. How can he expect to have foreign leaders at the White House after he’s had one of those big parties where they play all that loud music.
DAD: Mom, I’m sure his Black friends are doctors and lawyers.
GMA: Yeah, but they always have people like that in the back.
Danielle then puts her head down in an attempt to hide the tears of hysteria in her eyes.
Basically, Grandma thinks there’s gonna be a barbeque on the north lawn of the White House, stocked full of chicken wings, chitlins and collard greens, with a bit of the Wu-Tang playing in the background as the guests arrive in their dubbed out Escalades, bringing cases of O.E., and wearing more bling than what can be bought at Tiffany’s. Oh my.
I was at the almighty Wal-Mart last week when I decided to pick up a few Start Trek TNG movies (only $7.50 a piece!). I bought Star Trek – Nemesis, which I had never seen. It’s was freaking great! It was like watching a long lost episode I’d never seen. I was giddy.
That’s it for now. I’m off to amazon.com in search of Star Trek TNG Season 3 as well as Tom Cruise’s biography by Andrew Morton. XENU HERE I COME!
I have been trying to do some reading – usually at work since I don’t have access to the game. Currently in the book bag - Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. I’ve been debating as to whether or not to recap this one in a D’s Book Club post (let me know if you want one). I must say I find this book very fascinating. Some of the concepts in the book are quite abstract but the scary thing is most of the concepts make sense. Now I am in no shape or form ready to quit my daily drug cocktail, however, I have been thinking about the possibilities of utilizing Dianetics in my life AND taking my scripts. Theoretically, I would be floating on Cloud Nine. Therefore I am going to try to find and erase all of the engrams which hinder my day to day life, ultimately making me a more rounded individual. I promise I will try not to get a ‘Scientolobatamy’ as Michelle calls it.
Boy it really has been a while. My mind is swimming in various rivers containing information I would like to express my opinion about but where to begin?
BRAD RENFROE
Horrific. It’s come out that he died of an accidental drug overdose of heroin. This absolutely breaks my heart. 25 years old – same age as my beloved Sean. They will never age.
HEATH LEDGER
This was shocking. Did you see the amount of shit he had in his system? He was toe’ the fuck up when we went out. Dayum.
BRITNEY SPEARS
..is a mess. Initially I thought she and her actions were truly pathetic but the media has really done a good job making me sympathetic toward her. I can’t even classify her as a train wreck because ‘train wreck’ does not express the magnitude of her fucked-up-ed-ness. Every train in North America would need to collide in order to come close to the monstrosity that is her existence. She is in desparate need of mental/medical help. She has spiriled herself into another dimension.
BARACK OBAMA/HILLARY CLINTON
My personal feeling is that if a democrat takes the White House after the next election there will be an assassination attempt on the new President. I'm sure there's some radical extremist in Arkansas who doesn’t want an woman or African American president. I don’t think my grandmother is ready for the latter. I was having dinner with the fam a few weeks ago and the dinner conversation turned toward politics.
DAD: What do you think about Obama?
GMA: I don’t think he should be in the White House. How can he expect to have foreign leaders at the White House after he’s had one of those big parties where they play all that loud music.
DAD: Mom, I’m sure his Black friends are doctors and lawyers.
GMA: Yeah, but they always have people like that in the back.
Danielle then puts her head down in an attempt to hide the tears of hysteria in her eyes.
Basically, Grandma thinks there’s gonna be a barbeque on the north lawn of the White House, stocked full of chicken wings, chitlins and collard greens, with a bit of the Wu-Tang playing in the background as the guests arrive in their dubbed out Escalades, bringing cases of O.E., and wearing more bling than what can be bought at Tiffany’s. Oh my.
I was at the almighty Wal-Mart last week when I decided to pick up a few Start Trek TNG movies (only $7.50 a piece!). I bought Star Trek – Nemesis, which I had never seen. It’s was freaking great! It was like watching a long lost episode I’d never seen. I was giddy.
That’s it for now. I’m off to amazon.com in search of Star Trek TNG Season 3 as well as Tom Cruise’s biography by Andrew Morton. XENU HERE I COME!
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