Six Days Later..

So I haven't posted in 6 days because I've been a bit busy around the house. My man *moved* in on Monday. Yes, you read that correctly. This is hands down the craziest and most impulsive thing I've ever done. But as kooky as it sounds, it feels very right. I have never asked a man to move into my house, nor have I lived with anyone for almost 10 years. The compromising has already started but we both seem to be adjusting well.

For years I've said I'd whore myself out for housework. Well, now I have what I've always hoped for. Being he is a contractor, he can do about anything. This week he has repaired my garbage disposal. I now have hot water for my washing machine. He's replaced a couple of slats on the fence and picked up a few more yesterday to replace this weekend. He's replaced both the front and back door door knobs and dead bolts so they will all have the same key. He's filled up the pool with water and will be replacing the pool pump this weekend. He even got the code enforcement people off my ass. When you're single and live alone it's a bitch to keep up a house. I now have someone who takes care of the outside while I play Donna Reed on the inside. I even cleaned out half a closet for him.

It's nice having a dual income 'family.' I feel bad charging him anything for rent. Labor is ridiculously expensive these days and he's already saved me god knows how much money. However, he insists so I will take it.

I feel horrible as he's just moved in and I haven't gotten home from work until after 8p over the last two days. I sent him a text today to see if he could be home by 6:30p or so so we could have dinner together. Of course, the answer is always yes. I ran up to the grocery store (I never go to the market because I eat nothing but crap all the time and a lot of ice cream) today during lunch, picked up a few items, then hauled ass home and made chili in the crock pot. I took out the trash (he's been doing that but I cleaned some stuff outta the fridge and didn't want it to stink up the house) and even cleaned my cooking mess. I'm not sure how dinner will turn out as I did all of this in an hour and fifteen minutes, which includes drive time. He has no idea I've cooked. I'm sure he thinks our meal will consist of handmade sandwiches or something. I know chili in the summer doesn't seem right but I was looking for quick and easy (like I usually am).

Surprisingly enough, Grandma has given her blessing. I wasn't going to tell anyone because again, it is the craziest, most impulsive thing I've ever done, but what the hell? His father is a bit upset with him because he hasn't taken me over there to meet the fam. I think he's told his pops that I'm the one he wants to marry. Oh hell. Looks like I'll be planning a trip to Vegas.

We STILL have not consummated this relationship. He's killing me. Pray I'll get some this weekend. You know I wear the pants in the relationship as I'm basically begging him for sex. I understand where he's coming from though. He had better just not make me wait until our wedding night.

Honestly, I'm happier than I've been in years. I've met someone who really seems to accept me for me. I know he's not using me for sex. He's taken care of me pretty well up to this point and I am hoping to live happily ever after.

But who knows where I'll be in the next six days...

TGIF Bitches!

I am happy it's Friday! I get to sleep in with my man tomorrow morning. I'm calling this week the 'honeymoon' week. Who knows what next week will be like.

Tuesday on the way home it looked like it was going to rain so I turned on my headlights for the drive back to my crib and dumb ass Danielle forgot to turn them off. He came and jumped my car. How nice is that? He came into my house and asked for one of the pics of me I had up on the fridge. The next night at his house I saw it sitting on the dresser and asked if that's where he was gonna leave it. He said he'd had it in his car and it was getting wilted, crumpled, whatever and he didn't want it to get ruined. I said something jokingly about gettin him another picture.

After therapy Wednesday I was unsure whether I wanted to go to his home. I was depressed and crying. He told me that was irrelevant and wanted to see me. I went over there because I wanted him to see me in the sad and sorry state I was in and see how he would react to it. Needless to say, again, he amazed me my telling me he's already told me he will always be there for me, regardless of any of my mental conditions.

Last night I went to Walmart and bought a nice and somewhat manly frame and a really nice card expressing all of my appreciation for him and how he's made my life a more enjoyable (don't worry - it didn't have the 'L' work in it or anything like that). I went home and printed a few of the pictures from the photo shoot I did last year. I headed to his house and gave him the empty frame. He thought it was a very sweet gesture but said he thought I was gonna get him another picture of me. I handed him the card which contained all the pictures and it looked like he may have gotten teary eyed. I know it was cheesy and corny but he really liked my token of sincere appreciation.

I gave Mr. D. (one of the owners of the company I work for) a heads up that I was dating this guy. His father is a contractor who's done work at Mr. D.'s personal home as well as rental properties and has also done build outs in some of our offices. When I told people I was going on a date with Jeff H. everyone would say, "Oh, is that Bob H.'s son?" I wanted to give Mr. D. a heads up just in case he saw Bob H. and Bob H. asked him anything about me. I didn't want Mr. D. to be blindsided. When I told Mr. D. I was dating Bob H.'s son he looked at me and said, "Jeff? He's a great guy. I know he's looking for a serious relationship and doesn't want someone who's gonna play games. I think y'all would be perfect for each other." So maybe my boyfriend really isn't lying when he says all that nice stuff to me.

That's right - I called him my boyfriend. I dated Robert Blake for a month or so and never once referred to him as my boyfriend.

I really believe there could be something super special about this guy. He has way more pros than cons. Hell, I can't even name a con about him. Again, the possibility of someone feeling like this for me floors me. I personally think he's too great a guy and doesn't deserve all the mental drama I can reek on someone. But it appears he is actually accepting me for me, which is something I've never found in a person nor thought could ever be possible. Believe it or not, I've slept over there for the last 6 nights in a row and we still haven't consummated our relationship. He's A-OK with that but I'm hitting my sexual prime and have no idea how much longer I'll be able to hold out. Poor fellow. I might have to rape him.

Am I scared? Hell yeah! Initially I thought it was a little freaky that he was telling me all this stuff so soon but his explanation was that he had told himself that he was going to throw all of his feelings out there to the next girl he meets and really cares about - regardless of the consequences. He's a Leo and I'm an Aries. Look it up anywhere and everything says we are totally compatible.

Is it love? Is it lust? Is it infatuation? I am hoping the glass is half full.

I told Michelle about him and she was the only one who had a con. Everyone in my office says he's a keeper. Even my grandmother who has us moving in together already.

And finally, I'm back to popping my Xanax regularly but that's only because I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep. Next week, when I'm finally home with my babies, I'm gonna try to sleep sans any additional medication.

My 2nd Date with the Therapist

I hate to say it but I actually like this talking lady. She tells me about her own issues and what she's been through and it's nice to talk to someone who's been there and really understands. She said a lot of stuff to me that made a lot of sense but made me nervous about the relationship I'm in. She said we are still in the 'infatuation' stage and infatuation can turn into love or just disappear. She said it's okay and I should be cautious at this point.

I am definitely going back to her. We are going to be working on my 'inner child.' I have a new book to by called Boundaries - Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine. I haven't picked it up yet but once I do, I'll let you all know about it.

Medication (and Life) Update V

As corny as this may sound, I am very happy I'm back on my meds and where I am in life right now.


My office still reeks of flowers. Everyone who comes in say just how beautiful they are. I am still ridiculously smitten and very embarrassed to say so. I think I'm gonna get smacked by someone in my office because I've been walking around here for two days with a smile from ear to ear and I have been super nice to everyone. I would like to believe this guy really likes me (he swears to me he does) but it's hard for me since I've been asking myself for years what's wrong with me. I don't even want to go into full detail with what's been going on between he and I but if what he tells me is true, I am floored. When I saw him last night I told him the whole flower thing was the nicest thing I guy has even done for me. He just looked at me and said, "I was thinking about you and I wanted you to know that." He tells me he's prayed for years for someone like me to come into his life and feels that his prayers have finally been answered. He tells me when he was out yesterday he kept seeing signs telling him that I'm the one he should be with. He is looking for a serious relationship, which is super great for me. He's asked me to give him four months to prove to me that he's honest about his feelings for me and prove to me that I am and will always be number one in his life. He's practically begged me not to hold any of my past relationships against him as he knows I've been hurt in the past and I push everyone away. He leaves me speechless. I can't tell him how I'm feeling because I have my 'tough' exterior to contend with as well as my own personal fears. Poor kid - he has no idea what he's getting himself into. I have made it a point to forewarn him though.


They say if it's too good to be true it probably is, but here I am (being ridiculously optimistic) hoping they are all wrong.


I never thought I'd say this but thank god Robert Blake broke up with me. He could have never given me what I'm receiving now.

And finally SHOUT OUT TO MICHELLE! I feel like an ass quoting Pantera when it was actually Suicidal Tendencies. You go girl!

The "Date"

First of all I will quit putting DATE in in quotation marks because it was definately date I went on Saturday and I am totally smitten. Below are the flowers he sent to my office today. Keep in mind - I DIDN'T EVEN PUT OUT! The picture below does not adaquately portray what's here sitting on my desk. This thing is close to 3 feet high and has the whole office smelling like flowers. There are orchids, roses, sunflowers, you name it and the flower is in there. I almost cried when the lady walked in with them and asked if I was Danielle. Again, I am totally smitten.

On the Other Side of the Pond

I feel like this therapist lady is pushing the sexual abuse thing on me. I don't feel this is where my problems lie. Therapy flips me out. I just don't want to end up feeling this way in a few years.

I thought this article was sad yet interesting. To me, the EMO scene is just the new Alternative, Punk Rock, Gothic, Raver, etc. thing for the adolescents to do. I think sometimes kids tend to take things entirely too far in hopes of fitting in.

And finally, as a fan of old movies, I found this somewhat fascinating. I absolutely love the movie Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. To me it was way beyond its time. Bette Davis played the quintessential crazy drunk. When she (Baby Jane i.e. Bette Davis) served up Blanche's (Joan Crawford's) parakeet for lunch I about died. Bette Davis plays such a mental case and nails it. If you haven't seen this flick, you are missing out.

Again, I have no fucking clue what's going on in North America, but ask me about England and it's on.

D's Book Club - Beginning To Heal

So I read Beginning to Heal, A First Book for Men and Women Who Were Sexually Abused As Children at my therapist's request. It's actually a pretty good book if I substitute sexual abuse with my mom hauled ass on me when I was two.

The book has some good techniques in the Chapter Three - The Emergency Stage, for people who go through a period when sexual abuse is all the think about (again, sexual abuse with my mom hauled ass on me when I was two). There's a list called 'Surviving the Emergency Stage, which I think is actually helpful for anyone in a 'crisis' situation.

**Don't try to hurt or kill yourself.
**Remind yourself that you are not going crazy.
**Find people you can talk to.
**Allow yourself to think about the abuse (abandonment) as much as you need to.
**Drop any responsibilities that are not essential.
**Don't use alcohol or drugs to escape the pain.
**Get out of dangerous or abusive situations.
**Sit tight and ride out the storm.
**Develop a belief in something greater than yourself.
**Talk to people who are further along in their healing.
**Do as many nice things as possible for yourself.

All and all I would recommend this book to almost anyone who deals with mental issues. The chapters on Anger and Forgiveness are pretty good.