Reach Out and Stalk Someone..

I’ve met hundreds of people through out my life, some memorable, many more forgettable.

I always wonder Whatever Happened To…

Michelle and I have been pondering this query for years. With the plethora of information available on the World Wide Web, we can, at times, answer the questions that enquiring minds want to know (off subject, do you remember that commercial from 25 years ago for the tabloid? Crazy how some slogans stand the test of time?). The Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Department has a nifty little website where you can look up arrests over the past five years, and on more than one occasion, I have grabbed my high school yearbook for a Where Are They Now montage. Used in combination with the Florida Department of Corrections website and you can find out a whole lot of dirt on all of the winners we hung out with back in the day. Then there’s myspace. I think everyone has sold out and created a myspace account, so it’s a wonderful place when you’re wondering Whatever Happened To. We check these sites frequently as records are very up to date. Why we do this I’m not sure. I think on some level, as sad as it sounds, we do this to feel better about ourselves. It’s almost uplifting to look at our prior conquests and say things like Eeew, he looks like white trash or Ick, time has not been his friend or the classic, OMG, what the fuck was I thinking sleeping with that loser? Michelle and I exchange our findings, comments, and nastiness. A good time had by all.

To expand on this a bit further, I think every woman inherits a ‘stalker’ trait (and any of the female readers out there who deny this are lying). We’ve all gone a little over board once or twice or at every opportunity that’s presented itself, asking ourselves questions like Where is he? Who is he with? What is he doing? Why hasn’t he called me? Is he mad at me? With our minds raging in questions like these we have no choice but to look for answers, by whatever means necessary. We’ve all incessantly called, driven by his home, popped up at one of his old haunts in hopes of something-er-other.

~A Tragic Love Story~
Over a decade ago, I met (and presumable fell for) a guy we’ll call LL. As I recall, it was lust at first sight. Shaved head, tattooed to the nines, dirty wife beater – you know, all the important things you look at. I thought he was my soul mate (keep in mind, I’m 17 at the time and I think every guy I hop into bed with is my soul mate). The tragedy, he was moving out of state the next week. As I remember (an my memory is cloudy – I can’t remember if I ate breakfast this morning, let alone some random week long fling from 10 years ago), we spent as much time together as possible over the next few days, then alas, he moved. We kept in touch for a few months it seems (I found some of the letters at home which is what brought this on), but eventually, as with all puppy love, it dissipated.

So last week, the image of this cat pops in my mind and I wonder whatever happened to LL? I turn to my trusty sidekick, the computer with high speed internet, and Google LL. Lo and behold, I find him. Dayum. What do I do now?

I do the only thing I know how. I contact the All Knowing Michelle. The All Knowing confirms my initial thought, contact him (she does include a back handed compliment by stating ‘He still looks good, though. Not like some of the others.’).

So I send a message:
Subject: I can’t think of a subject..
Message: LL Cool Jay? Used to live in Tampa a decade ago? Are you one in the same?

I get a reply the next day which simply says:
Subject: RE: I can’t think of a subject..
Message: i am one in the same-holy shit long time!-how are you?

Wow, I think. LL remembers me, which is surprising as I have many a day where I feel unforgettable. I type out my reply:

Subject: Blast from the Past..
Message: Holy shit long time is the under statement of the year (I don't think you'll hold the title long though - it's only February). I'm surprised you remember me, if indeed you do (for all I know you may have read - lived in Tampa - and concluded that I must be someone you haven't spoken to in a long time). If you do know who I am, I can only imagine your shock of receiving a message from someone you haven't had contact with for a very long time. Life is good. I'm happy. I have my health. I am comfortable with myself. I've got three beautiful children (each with four legs) that keep me young in my older age. What more can one ask for?How are you? Still up in VT I see. Did ya ever settle down, get married, start a family, etc.?

Needless to say, it’s been about a week and I have not had a reply. I am going to blame this on email (and Robert Blake - Robert Blake is responsible for all things bad) as the problem with email is can't hear cynicism in the sender’s voice. If I orally read the message, you can here the sarcasm laced words. To read it I sound like a bloody flake. This leads me to believe that a) he has no fucking idea who I am and/or b) he thinks I am a fucking flake. Hmph. What now? Maybe I should Ask RobX.

When the stalker trait rears it’s head in this situation, it makes me want to send another email and be like WTF?! but contrary to how I feel (how WE all feel, bitches) I have decided to let it be. I am a little bummed out as I think we’d all be in the situation (especially the gals in the office who have decided to live vicariously through me of all people) but oh well. I’ll just have to find some more potential trouble to get myself into. This shouldn't be too hard.

So here’s the question I pose, my avid fans, would you want to be contacted by someone distant past? I mean seriously, who wouldn't want to be contacted by me?!

R.I.P.

Four years ago today, the world lost Sean Corey Lopusnak to a heroin overdose.

Remember kids, if you can put it up your nose or in your arm - DON'T FUCK WITH IT!

Site Launch Party

Some of the most upcoming, influential and inspirational people in the bay area came out last night to celebrate the launching of danielleisonline.com. I apologize to those of you who missed it. One of the rarest sights you can ever see is that of a glimpse of the elusive Danielle in public.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First up, this is my new best friend, Misha. I'm not 100% sure why the adorable little Russian boy, and creator of the music project G13, is flashing a gang symbol and standing in front of what appears to be gang graffiti, but it's all good in the hood as the underground is down with danielleisonline.com.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Say hello to Jeff M. This lifelong resident of Tampa, small business owner and fashionista is shown sporting what is sure to be the hottest trend of the season. You may all look at him like he's crazy now, but the confidence in his eyes tell you you'll be rocking this look soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is Jason L.. He does audio work. What is audio work you ask? It's more than just installing speakers. The on again, off again resident of the bay area and former Malibu Grand Prix employee showed us what he's been hiding in his jeans.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meet Gerald. I have no idea what this guy does, but as you can see, the only thing coming out of his mouth last night was danielleisonline.com.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me get a warm welcome for another Jeff. His story was (the only) one of inspiration. I'm sure it would be totally wrong for me to post it online without his consent so basically he has overcome something that has had a great effect on me through out the years. You go girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contrary to popular belief, these are not vagrants I found on the street and traded beer for advertising. They're Rich Van Valin and Jimmy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tongues were wagging at the launch party for danielleisonline.com. The guys chose to wag them in each others mouths. Guys are so dumb.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John N. is standing on the left. He's a guy who likes to play pool and travels a lot for business. Pictured on the right is the man responsible for the evening, every one's favourite mate, and my hero, Robert Blake the 10th. If you look close enough you can see the evil eyes of Rich lurking in the distance. The importance of this photograph - It's your Highness and some 'manly' men drinking Buttery Nipple shots.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Nothing comes between me and my Calvins.... but danielleisonline.com!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry, I don't even want to think of a caption for this picture. Would you?

Site Launch

The new site of danielleisonline.com has officially been launched. It will be the premier place to be on the web!

Again, I am asking for contributions by guest writers - but only the funny ones, please.

I asked the Evil Bride Vibe (EBV) to recap Tom Cruise's Unauthorized Biography. Her reply:
I was afraid the book was going to be as lame as Tom Cruise probably is in real life.

It is.

And I'm Off!

I received a reply from Mr. Robert Blake the 10th who does not appear to be down with my dinner proposal. Apparently he prefers bar food over a nice, steamy microwave dinner. Today the 'E' in E. Danielle stands for 'EFFORT' so I plan on heading down to the pub around 9p. Nine 'o clock? Is he outta his friggin' mind? That's almost bedtime. He's setting me up for failure.

On a lighter note, the new site has launched - kinda. Visit me at www.danielleisonline.com for this and a little more.

Random Quote from Michelle

I've decided to commit a bit more time to the blog this year. This is not something I can do alone - I need your help! I am taking suggestions, so if there's anything you want me to comment on, read and review, or bitch about, let me know.

With that being typed, I have solicited Michelle for some words of wisdom (the Random Quotes from Michelle segments are one of my favorites). She gives me this:

"If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?"
That’s lame, but I’ll let you know the next time I’ve got something insightful. It shouldn’t be long.

Sorry, but yeah, that's lame.

To Robert Blake the 10th

This is an open letter to all those through out the years who have extended an olive branch to me only to have to snapped into a twig right before their very eyes.

Dear Robert Blake:

How are you?

Let me start off by saying I’ve had a marvelous time getting to know you (who knew you were a closet ice skating fan and in lust with Johnny Weir?!). When I think about the times we chatted on the phone I have no choice but to giggle (as you recall, Erin really likes ‘em real and artificial – to this day I’m still not 100% how she likes ‘em). You listened to my ramblings (as that’s all most are allowed to do, listen, in silence) and laughed along with me (or at me, politely). You let me into your world and told me about your bitter rivalry with Dylan Bright. You liked me. You really liked me.

You tried to get me out of my comfort zone on more than one occasion, sadly, to no avail.

I saw you sent me a message back in October. I left it there, unread in my inbox, as a reminder to reply as soon as I ‘found’ the time. I can make a thousand excuses on why I have neglected to look for this time (work, family) but they are all the same, excuses. Alas, I finally ‘found’ it last week and replied, hoping to make contact, to no avail.

I am a horribly selfish person. I’ve realized if there is one constant in life, if there is one thing in abundance, it is time. Time is not of the physical – it cannot be lost, therefore it cannot be found – it can only be made. It is the art of making time which eludes me. To ‘make’ time for someone is to give up a little piece of yourself, to reduce the selfishness, if only for a few brief moments. I am manic depressive (another excuse) as I am notorious for canceling the plans I make with people. One minute, I’m ready to give up minutes, if not hours. The next, I’m too selfish to let go of seconds.

I wanted to apologize to you, Robert Blake. You made time for me and I was too wrapped up in my own existence to reciprocate what you tried to give me.

I am extending an olive branch to you in hopes you will not annihilate it to a splinter. I would like to invite you over for dinner sometime next week (Mar. 3rd – Mar. 7th). I’ll even let you pick your own TV dinner.


Your Friend:Danielle

P.S. I have gone back, read this, and determined this is probably the cheesiest and most poorly written thing I have ever authored, but I hope it will serve it’s purpose.

P.P.S. Even though this is an open letter, the dinner invite is extended to Robert Blake the 10th only. My sincerest apologizes to Robert Blake’s 1 – 9.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

My mother is planning a trip to Florida. Sheesh.
In case you forgot what my life was like last year, feel fresh to refresh your memory by using the links below. Fortunately, for you, they are memories. For me, they are horrendous flashbacks.

The Crazies (The Mother, Brother and Grandmother Come to Town)
http://danielleisonline.com/Your_Favorites.html

Updates

1. The link to Harry Potter's (uncircumcised) willy has been fixed. You can now see him again in all of his full frontal glory.

2. Just bought Start Trek TNG Season 3 AND Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography. The latter will be recapped in a later post of D's Book Club.

Long time no blog..

I’m sorry for depriving everyone of my glorious presence for so long. I’ve been ‘ever’ so busy that I haven’t had time to reach out to my fans. By ‘ever’ I mean the horribly addicting game of EverQuest 2, also known in some circles as EverCrack. A few exes back got me hooked on it a couple of years ago. I took a lengthy hiatus from it but have returned with a vengeance. It’s bloody ridiculous the amount of time I’ve spent on that game. Ludicrous I tell you! I’ve quit watching TV. I’ve quit Harry Potter. It’s just me and EverCrack now, however, true to my nature, I’m starting to get tired of it (I’ve been playing for about 3 months), so I’m looking for my next fix. Suggestions?

I have been trying to do some reading – usually at work since I don’t have access to the game. Currently in the book bag - Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. I’ve been debating as to whether or not to recap this one in a D’s Book Club post (let me know if you want one). I must say I find this book very fascinating. Some of the concepts in the book are quite abstract but the scary thing is most of the concepts make sense. Now I am in no shape or form ready to quit my daily drug cocktail, however, I have been thinking about the possibilities of utilizing Dianetics in my life AND taking my scripts. Theoretically, I would be floating on Cloud Nine. Therefore I am going to try to find and erase all of the engrams which hinder my day to day life, ultimately making me a more rounded individual. I promise I will try not to get a ‘Scientolobatamy’ as Michelle calls it.

Boy it really has been a while. My mind is swimming in various rivers containing information I would like to express my opinion about but where to begin?

BRAD RENFROE
Horrific. It’s come out that he died of an accidental drug overdose of heroin. This absolutely breaks my heart. 25 years old – same age as my beloved Sean. They will never age.

HEATH LEDGER
This was shocking. Did you see the amount of shit he had in his system? He was toe’ the fuck up when we went out. Dayum.

BRITNEY SPEARS
..is a mess. Initially I thought she and her actions were truly pathetic but the media has really done a good job making me sympathetic toward her. I can’t even classify her as a train wreck because ‘train wreck’ does not express the magnitude of her fucked-up-ed-ness. Every train in North America would need to collide in order to come close to the monstrosity that is her existence. She is in desparate need of mental/medical help. She has spiriled herself into another dimension.

BARACK OBAMA/HILLARY CLINTON
My personal feeling is that if a democrat takes the White House after the next election there will be an assassination attempt on the new President. I'm sure there's some radical extremist in Arkansas who doesn’t want an woman or African American president. I don’t think my grandmother is ready for the latter. I was having dinner with the fam a few weeks ago and the dinner conversation turned toward politics.

DAD: What do you think about Obama?
GMA: I don’t think he should be in the White House. How can he expect to have foreign leaders at the White House after he’s had one of those big parties where they play all that loud music.
DAD: Mom, I’m sure his Black friends are doctors and lawyers.
GMA: Yeah, but they always have people like that in the back.
Danielle then puts her head down in an attempt to hide the tears of hysteria in her eyes.
Basically, Grandma thinks there’s gonna be a barbeque on the north lawn of the White House, stocked full of chicken wings, chitlins and collard greens, with a bit of the Wu-Tang playing in the background as the guests arrive in their dubbed out Escalades, bringing cases of O.E., and wearing more bling than what can be bought at Tiffany’s. Oh my.

I was at the almighty Wal-Mart last week when I decided to pick up a few Start Trek TNG movies (only $7.50 a piece!). I bought Star Trek – Nemesis, which I had never seen. It’s was freaking great! It was like watching a long lost episode I’d never seen. I was giddy.

That’s it for now. I’m off to amazon.com in search of Star Trek TNG Season 3 as well as Tom Cruise’s biography by Andrew Morton. XENU HERE I COME!