I Love Life

Who would have thought I'd ever type those words? I'm having a ridiculously wonderful day. I am happy. I am giddy. I am I am I am.

You Are Not Alone

I'm happy I'm getting reader feed back on the blog. I received an email yesterday from one of my readers, Samantha, who was kind enough to share her own experience with us.

Danielle:
I read your last post. It is hard to quit something until you’re absolutely ready. I used to drink a lot. A LOT. I was usually very mean and extremely obnoxious. I cut back and thought I was o.k. but I was still retarded when I drank. Last year after my son's b-day party I had an alcohol induced meltdown. Sobbing, cutting, banging my head on the wall. Not pretty. I decided after that to quit because I felt SO HORRIBLE about my son. It was his freaking birthday and I was in the bathroom flipping out. I felt like the worst, most selfish person ever. It’s a whole lot easier to quit when you have a good reason – like being a bad mother. Now, I have a beer maybe once a month. I usually can’t even finish it. I’ve decided I don’t like the way it makes me feel and the way I treat others when I am drunk. Maybe your new man could be your reason.
-Samantha

It's always nice to know you're not alone. I am not the only one with a 'problem' of some sort. I've changed my mind and decided not to classify mine as an issue. I've only been taking these damned pills daily for about 2 months or so, and in small doses, so I believe it's too soon to develop an addiction. Props to me - I only took 1 mg on the way home and hit the Nyquil bottle at bed time. Hey - it's a start!

Samantha - you are totally correct. You have to be READY to quit your vices and quit them for your own reasons. I don't think I should quit for a man, but for myself, and I am not at the point where I really think this is a problem that is severely affecting me. I think, however, my manager might be onto me. I've been moving a bit slow lately and she's a mom so she knows. I need to cover my tracks better..

rEsearch Paper - Lightning

Here's another bad one from the essay writer in my office. She's going to hell. LOOKING FOR FEED BACK - If you like the rEsearch papers, please let me know. If there's a topic you want covered, I can forward it to my rEsearcher for examination and dissection.

Lightning - by 'E'

There are a lot of Dark Skinned people in the world. African Americans are dark skinned, bahameiean people are dark skinned and Tridadieans are dark skinned. Then you have the in the middle dark people as we call them and those are the Hispanics and the people who just stay out in the sun too long. Also all over the world is lightning. Lightning affects many people of the world. Lightningolisgist have brought to our attention that Dark skinned people are more likely to get struck by lightning even though their skin looks think (note from dm - i think this word should be thick), however it isn't. There's actually a thin glow around the skin that causes the lightning to break through and strike right through their heart. Not good. That is why Dark People are afraid of water because they know lost of the time lightning comes after rain. Very few people know about the knowledge of lightning and why it sucks to be dark.

New Subject

Kinda.. I've been gushing about my man for days now (and believe me I'm still gushing) but I know everyone is tired of reading about it, so we shall go back and focus on the real issue - me.

Although Xanax is supposed to mellow you out, if I take too much I get manic as hell and down right nasty (so I hear). I hate this because those poor people surrounding me have to take the brunt of kookiness. Last night was a somewhat good mania - I cleaned the hell out of my crank (guest) bedroom. You can walk around on both sides of the bed, which has clean sheets and a pretty comforter set. It actually looks like a bedroom of some sort now. I can even have overnight guests. I'm trying, dammit. In time, this will be my man's room. I want him to feel comfortable.

Regarding my drug habit - I've been taking 1 mg on my way home and another 1 mg before bed (2mg per day - twice the prescribed amount). I'm going to try not to take any on the way home (or maybe just a .5). I can't remember the last time I didn't pop a Xanax at some point in the day. I'm a little concerned that I may not be able to kick this stuff when I'm ready (which should be now, but it's not). You know you have a problem when it's not fun anymore. Initially I used to pop them to get fucked up, then it was to calm down. Now, hell, I don't know why I do it now. Force of habit I guess.

He's Too Much

I know everyone is tired of me bragging about how wonderful my man is but I can't help it. He keeps exceeding any expectation I may have and then some.

When he moved in I decided to charge him minimum rent as it was agreed that he'd help me fix up the house. He paid me June's rent but he keeps giving me money. He's given me an extra $250 or so this month and he even paid for me to have a manicure and pedicure earlier this week. Where has this man been all my life?

I am attributing it to The Secret. I've been putting out positive vibes into the universe for a while now. I've been wanting a GOOD man for a while. I been wanting someone to help me with the house upkeep. I been wanting someone to throw in money for bills. Ask and you shall receive?

You would think the newness would have worn off by now but it hasn't.

Fun with the Fam

Every year (with the exception of last year when the Crazies were in town) my family celebrates both my Grandmother's birthday and Father's Day on the same day. I blogged about a political conversation that took place at the dinner table (to re-read, click here) between my Pops and Grandma. They were at it again Sunday. The only think I can say is Grandma is a racist. Well, I take that back - Grandma discriminates against everyone, regardless of their race, creed, color sexual orientation, etc.. She doesn't care for people. So dinner goes like this:

DAD: So mom, who you gonna vote for in the upcoming election?
GMA: I'm not voting this year. McCain is too old and Barak is too black.
DAD: What would you do if Hillary was on the ticket for the VP slot?
GMA: Well that's not going to happen.
DAD: If Hillary would have won the nomination would you have voted for her?
GMA: Of course. We women have to stick together.

As it was Father's Day, my daddy got the usually crappy gifts - socks, underwear, t-shirts. Here we go again:

DAD: (Holding the socks) I like to see stuff like this - made in Honduras. At least it's from some form of America, even if it is Central America, and they weren't made in China.
GMA: Those Chinese people are shady. They send people to America to steal our secrets.

That lady is a trip.

Side Note: Apparently Robin Williams was on some late show and made a some type of Obama joke and having a brotha in the White House. MY GRANDMA SAID IT FIRST!! Even though she didn't mean it as a joke..

Life. It's Bigger.

Not sure how many days it's been but I figured I should check in. I still love married life, for the most part. Some days it's a bit draining on me. My smart ass-ed-ness and sarcasm is starting to get under his skin a bit. He will dish it right back to me for the principal of it, which I don't take too well. They say what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I say what's good for the goose is good for the goose, and sometimes you have to say screw the gander. I've been single and set in my ways for a very, very long time. This will definitely take some getting used to.

Even though I'm still sexless in the city, we've discussed getting married and having children. This relationship seems to be working a bit backwards, don't you think?

I've always said that if I had kids they would take my last name. I'm the last in my line, with the exception of my younger cousin (who's mother is now a man and who's father is more than likely gay), and I am unsure if he will be procreating. I always said if I had a son I would name him Daniel David Melville, II (the 2nd) after my daddy (and myself). I was told if we had a son, his last name would be Hillard. If we have a daughter, I can give her any last name I want. Would she be chopped liver? That's crappy. I should feel lucky since I'm allowed to to pick the first and middle names for both kids. So I've decided my son's name will be Daniel Melville Hillard and he will have my maiden name as his middle name. The daughter will be Elizabeth Aria (or Daniela - she'd go by Ella) Melville Hillard. Poor thing will have 2 middle names. I thought my signature was long.

He's all about having not one, but two kids. Just remember I am the one who has vowed not to have children let alone spawn off two of those bad boys. Better yet - he wants them about a year and a half apart. So I'd be pregnant and uncomfortable for 9 months, I'd have 9 months off and then would have to get pregnant and uncomfortable again. And keep in mind I'd have to be off my medication for all of this fun. They'd have to lock me the fuck up. In the end I'd be that poor mother you see in the grocery store trying to keep the baby in the cart from pulling stuff off the shelves while holding the other kid's hand so he/she/it wouldn't run amok. Good lord - I didn't wants kids after 30 and with this plan I won't be done breeding until I'm 40.

As far as marriage is concerned, he was very unhappy when I told him I anticipated keeping my last name. He doesn't feel like that's traditional. Traditional?! When the hell have I ever been known to be traditional?! My compromise was to hyphenate my name - i.e. Danielle Melville-Hillard (I tried to do this with the kids' names as well but got shot down). He didn't like that either. He basically doesn't think I would be committing myself fully to the relationship because I'd want to keep a part of my single self. I am a Melville and will always be a Melville.

And finally, on a lighter note, I was on a 5 year dating plan.
YEAR ONE - Move in together.
YEAR TWO - Get engaged.
YEAR THREE - Get married.
YEAR FOUR - Enjoy married life.
YEAR FIVE - Have kids.

At least I'm a little ahead of the game now.

Side Note - My last name is not MELVILLE and his last name is not HILLARD. Our names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The Junk

I've been brutally honest with all my readers over the past few years but I have to admit I've been holding back disclosing something as Michelle and Mary read this and they'd probably be disappointed in me. Oh well.

I'm back on the Xanax. Well - that's not entirely true - I never got off it. I know I said when I was back at my house I'd try to sleep without it but I haven't really given that idea too much thought. Last Friday I figured I'd try to sleep sans anxiety meds that aren't supposed to be taken for sleeping. I was knocked out around 9:30p but popped back up around 11p or so. Normally this isn't a big deal for me. I usually get up, putter around the house, watch TV, smoke, play on the computer. My usual routine is a little difficult now that I have a live-in man. I was laying in bed, smoking, and he woke up a bit agitated because he kept hearing the sound the lighter makes when you flick it. At this point I popped the normal amount of Xanax I take in the evenings (1 mg) and decided to take a bath. For whatever reason, I determined that 1 mg wasn't going to be sufficient so I proceeded to take an additional 1.5 mg (2.5 mg total). After bathing, I went into my office and played on the computer for a bit. I don't remember anything else. I don't remember getting into bed. And I was REALLY pissed the next day as apparently I ate a whole fucking pint of Ben and Jerry's and don't remember. Muther fucker! That stuff's the shiz-nit and I didn't even get to savor the flavor.

I have never had a black out drinking. The closest thing to non-remembrance is when (way, way, way back in the day) my girl and I popped some roofees and talked on the phone to the Sheans. I have no idea what we said to them but I'm sure we were a bit raunchy at some point. Xanax will make be black the fuck out and not remember anything. The one time my man and I nearly had sex, I was all fucked up on Xanax. God knows what the hell I was saying to the poor fellow. Of course, as you all know, we did not have sex and I only had a vague remembrance of the situation the next day. Talk about embarrassing.

I haven't come to a determination as far as what I'm going to do next. As the doctor prescribes them to me I don't feel too bad about taking them. I am allotted 1 mg a day, which is usually all I take. I'll try sleeping again this weekend with no inhibitors but I can't make any guarantees.

Off subject - I'm a little embarrassed - my man has read my blog. He's not a big reader so when he said something to me about it I was shocked. On a lighter note, he got to read all the cheesy, corny and mushy stuff I've posted about him for all the world to see. I think he was somewhat flattered but you never know with the male species.

More Therapy

Last go 'round the talking lady wanted me to write down 5 positive sentences about myself, tape them to my bathroom mirror and read them every morning and evening when I brush my teeth. I've been meaning to do this but have had so much going on that it's slipped my mind. And why do I need to write down stuff to tell myself when I now have someone telling me all the nice stuff daily?

This morning I was debating on whether or not I really need to go back to her. I'm feeling good. I'm enjoying my new role as homemaker. I told Mary that I didn't think I needed to go back for the above reason (i.e. my man is good at feeding my ego). I received a stern look and was told that wasn't the same. I need to be telling myself this stuff. Sheesh. Picky, picky.

We started 'homecoming' today where I go back in time to my childhood, remembering houses I lived in, details, and expressing the feelings these places gave/give me. We started work on my inner child. I saw her; talked to her; hugged her and took her inside of me so she will always be with me. She knows I'll always protect her and I know I will never be alone again. Believe it or not, I actually felt better doing with this voodoo shit. Crazy is as crazy does I guess.

It's a Sad Day

I just found out that my homegirl, EBV, is leaving her job with the worst mortgage lender ever. I know this is great news for her as she's getting the fuck outta dodge, but it really sucks for me. She was my inside. Now I'll be stuck on the outside with no clue as to what's gong on with my closings.

Good luck, girlfriend. And @!#$%^&!!

Another 6 Days..

I've been (semi)happy playing housewife for the last week and a half. This is all still quite new to me. We are learning things about each other that you normally learn during the dating process but I go big or go home - so now someone is living in my home. As dismal as the last few sentences may sound, I have absolutely no regrets. Sometimes you have to jump in head first and put yourself out there for the good things.

Last Sunday was a pretty manic day for me. I was going to straighten up the entire house, however I got stuck in the living room. I took down the Christmas tree that's been up since December of 2005. I moved every piece of furniture around the room so I could mop underneath it. I dusted the hell out of everything (walls included) and cleaned the ceiling fan which probably hadn't been cleaned since I moved in. I cleaned the base boards and the wooden ceiling beams. I was done just over 6 hours later and absolutely exhausted. But (beware of cheese) I want the house to look nice when my man gets home from a hard day at work.

I cook dinner at least twice a week. This week I made this bad ass pasta with ground Angus, a red sauce and spinach. It was pretty fucking good if I may say so myself. Tonight I'm making a pork tenderloin, au gratin potatoes and green beans. Just call me Betty Fucking Crocker bitches.

He has made me pissy though, but with fairly good intentions.

Saturday we watched movies all day and did no work. Sunday morning we decided to take a trip to the Home Depot. He looks at me a says I should shower before we go since I didn't bathe the day before. Okay, no problem. I hit the bathtub, cleaned myself up and washed my hair. As I came back into the bedroom I made one of my little comments around the line of Maybe I should put on make up so I don't scare any kids. His reply - Maybe you should. WTF?! I'm getting snotty at this point. I'd walk out of the bathroom and be like Oh don;t worry, this is just the first coat of make up. When the paint had dried, I came out to ask if it was sufficient. As my hair was still wet, I said something sarcastic about doing my hair before we headed off to the Home Depot. He said something like I should. Oh hell - I'm about livid at this point. I'm going to fucking Home Depot. I diligently flatten my hair. When my hair was done I came out and said I was going to wear sweatpants but that doesn't seem like that will be sufficient for you. Is it okay if I wear jeans?

Anyone who knows me knows that I would generally put my foot down about this kind of shit but I (surprisingly) mainly kept my mouth shut, only to open it the next day. I told him it was ridiculous that I had to get dressed up to go to Home Depot. His reply - I'm in that store all the time and they know me there. I just wanted to show you off. Awww.

Last night we were having a hypothetical discussion about us getting married. We talked about our friends who had gotten married and disappeared. He doesn't think that people have real, lifelong friends; just good friend along their lifetime. His spin on marriage is that the couple is commiting themselves to each other and their relationship. He knows it sucks to be the friend but it is what it is. I started to bring up JC's pending nuptials and informed him that he would be my date. He told me we'd see when the time comes. Huh? He then told me he didn't want me to go if I was going to make a spectical. He is starting to get to know me.

Also along the lines of our hypothetical marriage we discussed having friends of the opposite sex. Apparently this would basically be a big hell to the no. I would not be allowed to have any male friends at the house without him being home. A little insecure? You think? Going out for dinner and shopping would be fine and dandy (unfortunately I have no gay friends) but having male friends in the house when he is not home would be absolutely unacceptable. The only example I could give was JC - JC and I have never had sexual relations; if I bring up sex in front of him I get the ewww as he's totally grossed out by the thought of his sister knockin' boots. His mom considers me the daughter she never had but always wanted. But if I marry this cat, I would have to accept that JC would not be able to be at my house without my husband present. After this, my man reminded me that JC is gone. I started crying, having never felt so alone in my life. He looked me in the eyes and said I wasn't alone. He knows how that lonliness feels, he's felt it for years too, but now we have each other. Awww. I let him win this one.

Before our marriage conversation, he was unhappy when I got home. He was dusting the ceiling fax in the dining room (another one that hasn't been cleaned in ages) and he had the ladder on the kitchen counter as he was also installing my new kitchen light. (During the weekend trip to the Home Depot, I picked up two things I have wanted for as long as I moved into that house - new lights for the dining room and kitchen.) He wasn't really talking to me so what else could I do but cock a small attitude. Later in the evening we talked about it and apparently he was pissed for a couple of reasons, and surprisingly enough none being the dirty ass ceiling fan. When he opened the chandelier box he noticed it had been a return, which pissed him off. Then I came in which upset him - he really wanted to have the light up to surprise me when I got home. Awww.

So yes, he's definitely pissed me off in some ways but again, I will have to say he has the best intentions. He is definitely looking for a long term, committed relationship and it appears he is looking for this with me.

Overall, 'married' life is going quite well. This'll be a major adjustment for the both of us. Mary puts us married before the end of the year. How crazy is that shit? But anything is possible so it is quite possible that he's The One. We were talking last night about our whirlwind relationship. We've all heard stories about how two people have met, shared an instant connection, and have now been married for like 30 years. He and I have always had the same views that stuff like that couldn't happen to us. What are the odds that I have somehow ended up in a fairytale relationship, destined living happily ever after?

It is in the stars. I looked it up online and everything I read says it's a match. I've thrown in a few examples below, as if this post wasn't already long enough. I've printed these and have them on the fridge at home as our reminder.

Aries and Leo have large egos and like taking the lead. Aggressive in nature, Aries wouldn't dream of taking second place, and kingly Leo needs constant admiration. Usually they can work it out by having Leo play the emperor and Aries play the general. The trick is for neither to take the other all that seriously. It's a fine combustible sexual match (I wouldn't know), for both are fiery and romantic. Aries is optimistic and open to life; Leo is generous and good-hearted. If neither tries to deflate the other-and if they can find room to compromise about who dominates whom-this should be a happy pairing.

Aries and Leo. Twin Fires... A sensational meeting between soul mates, full of power, energy and force. If you found a Leo, remember that his personality seems to have been created to match yours. You will never miss bold ideas, conversation and adventures. The Lion has a great heart that will fascinate you, and an inclination towards theatricalism that will always make you laugh (what Aries wouldn't yield to this strong argument?) You are both Fire signs, so you will always discover new things together, you will create or initiate projects. You want the same things, so you will get them much easier together. Leo is a very romantic sign - he symbolizes the celestial man's heart - so your Leo will have many, many adorable surprises for you (like having my kitchen light up before I got home). Get ready to go to the most famous restaurants because Leo likes going out, showing himself, frequenting refined and elegant places. Leo also likes being dressed-up and manages to look good no matter what he is wearing, so you'd better put on your best clothes and give up jeans and T-shirts, dear Aries (as this is not allowed at Home Depot). The male Leo is a courteous man he likes being in charge very, very much and it could be a sore point between you two. But he is so charming that I can see you lay down your arms.