The Junk

I've been brutally honest with all my readers over the past few years but I have to admit I've been holding back disclosing something as Michelle and Mary read this and they'd probably be disappointed in me. Oh well.

I'm back on the Xanax. Well - that's not entirely true - I never got off it. I know I said when I was back at my house I'd try to sleep without it but I haven't really given that idea too much thought. Last Friday I figured I'd try to sleep sans anxiety meds that aren't supposed to be taken for sleeping. I was knocked out around 9:30p but popped back up around 11p or so. Normally this isn't a big deal for me. I usually get up, putter around the house, watch TV, smoke, play on the computer. My usual routine is a little difficult now that I have a live-in man. I was laying in bed, smoking, and he woke up a bit agitated because he kept hearing the sound the lighter makes when you flick it. At this point I popped the normal amount of Xanax I take in the evenings (1 mg) and decided to take a bath. For whatever reason, I determined that 1 mg wasn't going to be sufficient so I proceeded to take an additional 1.5 mg (2.5 mg total). After bathing, I went into my office and played on the computer for a bit. I don't remember anything else. I don't remember getting into bed. And I was REALLY pissed the next day as apparently I ate a whole fucking pint of Ben and Jerry's and don't remember. Muther fucker! That stuff's the shiz-nit and I didn't even get to savor the flavor.

I have never had a black out drinking. The closest thing to non-remembrance is when (way, way, way back in the day) my girl and I popped some roofees and talked on the phone to the Sheans. I have no idea what we said to them but I'm sure we were a bit raunchy at some point. Xanax will make be black the fuck out and not remember anything. The one time my man and I nearly had sex, I was all fucked up on Xanax. God knows what the hell I was saying to the poor fellow. Of course, as you all know, we did not have sex and I only had a vague remembrance of the situation the next day. Talk about embarrassing.

I haven't come to a determination as far as what I'm going to do next. As the doctor prescribes them to me I don't feel too bad about taking them. I am allotted 1 mg a day, which is usually all I take. I'll try sleeping again this weekend with no inhibitors but I can't make any guarantees.

Off subject - I'm a little embarrassed - my man has read my blog. He's not a big reader so when he said something to me about it I was shocked. On a lighter note, he got to read all the cheesy, corny and mushy stuff I've posted about him for all the world to see. I think he was somewhat flattered but you never know with the male species.