One Step Closer to Godliness

Boy oh boy has it been a long time?! All of August was atrocious for me at the office. Needless to say I am still recuperating. Here’s what you’ve missed (and then some) -

I’ve started Fantasy Dog Racing. Pops said he had never heard of such a thing. Well of course not and that would be because I invented it. I’m getting my jollies in the evenings by watching the dogs race (you can watch online for free at http://www.derbylane.com/ and we all know FREE is for ME!!). I’m schooling now before I head back out to the track. I want to be a pro. When we went to the Dog Track I saw this chick who you could tell knew what she was doing. She didn’t look anywhere near as good as me (not many can compare) but I have to say it was hot as hell to watch that woman in motion. I love seeing women do things that are historically considered manly. There’s something about women playing pool. I don’t know what it is. When I was younger I had to go to the Boys’ & Girls’ Club after school where I learned to shoot pool. Pops would take me up to the Cue Club when I was 12 or so to ‘hone’ my skills. I can honestly say I’ve gone out once or twice with exes to play a few racks and have left them surprised. They never thought I would win so we’d bet ‘sexual favors’ – next time I’m shooting for dough. I wanna be a hustler. That’s hot.

I felt a tinge of jealousy today when Deb (not step-mom Debbie M****** but she’s a Deb M. as well – A/K/A Evil Bride Vibe) told me she had been ordained a minister by the Universal Life Church. Being that I didn’t want to be left behind, I too applied for ordination at the Universal Life Church headquartered in Modesto California. And by ‘APPLY’ I mean I pressed the button that said ‘ORDAIN ME.’ Why become ordained? I can now perform weddings (I could already do this since I’m a notary), funerals, baptisms and other functions of the clergy. I can also begin my own ministry! Mary keeps telling me that I’m going to hell, but alas, she is severely mistaken. As the minister of my own ministry I set the rules. What I say goes in the House of Daniellism. The Universal Life Church not only ordains ministers but allows you to obtain degrees as well. I am currently looking into the Doctor of Philosophy in Religion degree. Don’t forget I was going back to school to major in Philosophy or Religion so this falls right in line with my life goals, and for a mere $100 (verses the $20k+ I would have to pay at a state university) it is way more cost effective. All I need to do now is click the ADD TO SHOPPING CART button and you’ll be calling me Dr. M******! For $69 I can obtain my Masters in Religion (I’ll pay the extra $31 for my doctorate); $59 gets you the Doctor of Biblical Studies (this is sacrilegious to me – I’ll pass on this degree); $40 for Doctor of Religious Science; $29 Doctor of Divinity; $29 Doctor of Metaphysics (for future reference please visit http://www.ulc.net/ for complete and detailed pricing and available products). There are tons of other things you can buy at this place – my favorites being the titles at only 10 bucks a piece! My name will read: E. DANIELLE M******, PH.D, TVE, AA, UPAR (PH.D = Philosophy Doctorate; TVE = the Very Esteemed; AA = Archangel; UPAR (Universal Philosopher in Absolute Reality). HOW FUCKING GREAT IS THIS?

And finally a brief discussion on someone who needs me as a life coach - Britney Spears. Her sad and trashtastic performance last night at the VMAs is all the talk around the water cooler today. She is a big ol' mess. On her physical appearance - I thought her face looked FABULOUS! Whoever spackled that goat did a helluva great job! As for her body - I didn't think it was all that bad. Granted she's not tight and toned like she once was but hell, I'd kill to have the body she was dancing(?) around in last night. I'm still trying to figure out who let her go on Dateline (with my beloved Matt Lauer) sans handlers. That was the first showing of many horrific weaves (this was pre-bald Britney and she had no excuse being in front of the camera with what looked like a dead animal on her head), plus her fake lashes weren't being properly glued on and her make up rivaled that of a cheap streetwalker. I really feel sorry for her y'all. But props to Sarah Silverman calling her kids two of the cutest mistakes you've ever seen. BURN!