I've been wanting to blog about this for quite a bit of time now but thought that maybe it wasn't the best idea. Being that it has now been researched, I feel I can speak somewhat freely.
I have a hard time seeing myself with anyone long term due to this need to be loved unconditionally. Being the proud owner of three wonderful animals, I have become accustomed to this unconditional love. I can beat them, yell at them, or punish them and still my babies love me, unconditionally. Unconditional love is something ingrained into the puppies which they do not question.
In almost every relationship I've been in, there's been an underlying thought in my mind - He would love me more if... I was prettier; I lost weight; I wasn't so bitchy all the time; I was more social. Maybe I was (am) just being self conscience but those feelings and thoughts have persisted through out each of my romantic encounters.
I'm sure I can trace this to its source - My Mother. Mommy Dearest dipped when I was just a mere child and this has had a ridiculous impact on me. This event has caused me to have severe trust issues (if Mom can leave, anyone can (and they have - the only people to truly break my heart have been my 'friends')) and has hindered many a relationship. I've had doubts that this woman has ever loved me unconditionally, even though I'm told that's what parents are supposed to do (SIDE NOTE: I received an Easter card from her last week which was signed: Love, Your 'Bio' Mom, Annie - this was a first, my 'bio' mom?! - she is definitely losing it). Maybe if I was a better daughter, she would have loved me enough to stay or at least put up a fight for me.
My point - I can honestly say that the best relationship I have ever been in was where I was one half of an 'I Can't Believe She's With Him' couple. I know what you're thinking, with all my loveliness wouldn't every relationship I'm in make me one half of an 'I Can't Believe She's With Him' couple? Perhaps, but this was the only time I saw it for what it was. It was the only time I felt I was truly loved, unconditionally, by a person.
As Metallica would say, You know it's sad but true.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Ask RobX About Anal Sex
Today on danielleisonline.com, you can Ask the Expert - Ask RobX - about the trials and tribulations of anal sex.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Did You Know?!
Did you know that Robert Downey Jr. will be acting in black face in a movie? I didn't know you could do that. He looks kinda like Tiger Woods.
News of the World
I have absolutely no idea what's going on in the States but I can definately keep you abreast of what's running in the British papers.
The Daily Mail ran this article today.
What I learned today:
Chicks are crazy.
The Daily Mail ran this article today.
What I learned today:
Chicks are crazy.
!@#$%^&*!
As the medication wears off the impulses are coming back.
Yesterday I made a purchase at amazon.com for next day (i.e. TODAY) delivery.
I cannot go the weekend without Seasons 4 and 5 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the books Manic: A Memoir; The Crazy Inside: A Poetic Journey Through Manic Depression; and the autobiographies Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound At A Time (by Valerie Bertinelli) and sTORI Telling (by Tori Spelling).
But I have to. My items did not ship last night. Fuckers.
Yesterday I made a purchase at amazon.com for next day (i.e. TODAY) delivery.
I cannot go the weekend without Seasons 4 and 5 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the books Manic: A Memoir; The Crazy Inside: A Poetic Journey Through Manic Depression; and the autobiographies Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound At A Time (by Valerie Bertinelli) and sTORI Telling (by Tori Spelling).
But I have to. My items did not ship last night. Fuckers.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Urban Dictionary
I stumbled across urbandictionary.com by chance today after googling RobX. I was able to find very accurate definitions for RobX, Danielle (I prefer definition 2 myself), and Michelle (I've personally used her for definition 5).
I am always happy to expand my dictionary.
Sometimes when I wake up late, I go into work in my ice cubes with my hair all frangled.
I love McDizzle's and/or McDonald's!
Looking to widen my vocabulary, I clicked for a random definition and it shuffled to the middle of some 'N' words. Some of the stuff people posted is absolutely horrible.
I am always happy to expand my dictionary.
Sometimes when I wake up late, I go into work in my ice cubes with my hair all frangled.
I love McDizzle's and/or McDonald's!
Looking to widen my vocabulary, I clicked for a random definition and it shuffled to the middle of some 'N' words. Some of the stuff people posted is absolutely horrible.
Med-less
Today is Day 8 sans medications. Today is better that yesterday. I still feel ate the fuck up but what can you do?
I was perusing the kooky med kicking site and found this gem - post #473:
fuck cymbalta smoke some marijuana instead of this bullshit my eye twitches alot now
473. Posted by foblarlar on April 28, 2007
Funny.
I was perusing the kooky med kicking site and found this gem - post #473:
fuck cymbalta smoke some marijuana instead of this bullshit my eye twitches alot now
473. Posted by foblarlar on April 28, 2007
Funny.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Moses Liked to Trip
I'm going to say today's theme on danielleisonline.com - the blog - is religion, so I can post this article.
The Laughing Jesus
In July of last year under a post entitled No title today - just talk, I make reference to my pal Syl's wedding and a picture hanging in the house of worship:
'I thought I had actually found the church of my dreams when I looked over at a wall which I thought had a picture of Bob Marley. Unfortunately it was Jesus – I had to check. It’s quite a sight when everyone is walking out of the church and you’re walking up to the pulpit area. The pastor guy was up there and said something like, “Isn’t that a nifty picture of Jesus?” I can honestly say it was unlike any picture of Jesus I had ever seen – dude – I’m telling you he had dreads. I’m sure I’ve seen that picture on a t-shirt somewhere.'
A copy of the pic is below. It's entitled the Laughing Jesus. I still think it looks like Bob. Or maybe the Big J.C. has got perma-grin.
'I thought I had actually found the church of my dreams when I looked over at a wall which I thought had a picture of Bob Marley. Unfortunately it was Jesus – I had to check. It’s quite a sight when everyone is walking out of the church and you’re walking up to the pulpit area. The pastor guy was up there and said something like, “Isn’t that a nifty picture of Jesus?” I can honestly say it was unlike any picture of Jesus I had ever seen – dude – I’m telling you he had dreads. I’m sure I’ve seen that picture on a t-shirt somewhere.'
A copy of the pic is below. It's entitled the Laughing Jesus. I still think it looks like Bob. Or maybe the Big J.C. has got perma-grin.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Cymbalta is the Devil
I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Type I close to 15 years ago and have had a love/hate relationship with psychotic medications since. I've been on many a pill over the past decade, each one coming in with a promise to make me a normal, productive member of society.
In the early days, I dealt mainly with depression, which worked out fairly well since I tended to be on the gothic side back in my day. As I've aged (ever so gracefully) the depression has morphed into mania coupled severe mood swings. Side Note on Mania - Mania can be fun. There's nothing like getting 'meth head manic' on a Saturday and cleaning your house from floor to ceiling (needless to say, it's been a while since I've had a good manic episode - just ask anyone who's been out to the house lately). Mania can also be very bad - bad mania consists of me getting violent and nasty - never a pretty sight.
A few years ago my drug doc put me on Lamictal in an attempt to curb the mood swings. Lamictal is God's gift to the world. I never knew they made a pill for a bad attitude, but they do, it's called Lamictal - ask for it by name and accept no substitutes. He also put me on Prozac and Buspar as well. I ingested this cocktail on a daily basis for a while until the doc and I decided I didn't need the Prozac as I was having no issues with depression, so I stayed with the Lamictal and my daily Buspar placebo.
A few years went by and in the summer of 2006 something happened. As I recall it was something silly but it threw me into a world of hurt. I had fallen and I couldn't get up. After two weeks of living in the gutter, I decided to go to the drug doc. He decided it would probably be a good idea to throw me on an anti-depressant even though I wasn't depressed, stating it would help me not limbo so low when I hit a down patch. He was also kind enough to give me the heads up that anti-depressants aren't always good for Bi-Polars as the pills can make you more manic. As with any good drug doc, he asked me what I wanted to be on. At the time I kept seeing those Depression Hurts commercials - you know they ones that show us depression hurts not only you but the others surrounding you as visualized by the sad dog longing for his owner to pay attention to him. These commercials always tore at my heart strings because I love my dogs and I don't want them to hurt, so I requested Cymbalta.
My initial experience with Cymbalta was horrific. I have never had a single side effect from the psychotic drugs (legal and illegal) that I had taken past but this shit was unlike anything I had ever taken. It was all around uncomfort. The only thing I can really liken it to is being 'ate up,' which is a term used by recreational users of the drug ecstasy. Being ate up from ecstasy is equivalent of being hung over from alcohol. General side effects include nausea, dizziness and an uncontrollable urge to grind your teeth - basically an overall shitty feeling. So here I was, feeling ate up, without even have had a good buzz the night before. This lasted two weeks or so until I slowly changed into what my office mates were calling Fortune Cookie Danielle. As Fortune Cookie Danielle I would go around the office and spout off profound thoughts such as There is no need to complain about things you can control and Why are your toenails stronger than your fingernails? This too faded, leaving me as Medicated Danielle, with a slice of mania every now and again to keep things interesting.
Last week I deemed myself cured and decided to kick my drug habit. I have a real fear of getting off Cymbalta, not only because of the withdraw symptoms, but also because I contribute it to the 20+ pounds of weight loss I've achieved (my biggest fear in life is being a fat girl with a pretty face). So here I am today. I haven't taken any mood altering medication since last Wednesday. You would think my now the Cymbalta withdraw symptoms would have ceased, but alas, you are poorly mistaken. My fingers keep going numb. I'm nauseous and tingley all over. I feel like a space cadet. I decided to turn to the web for guidance and it has not been uplifting.
What do I do now? The only thing I can. I'm going to get a bottle of Dasani and take my meds. I'm gonna be an addict forever.
In the early days, I dealt mainly with depression, which worked out fairly well since I tended to be on the gothic side back in my day. As I've aged (ever so gracefully) the depression has morphed into mania coupled severe mood swings. Side Note on Mania - Mania can be fun. There's nothing like getting 'meth head manic' on a Saturday and cleaning your house from floor to ceiling (needless to say, it's been a while since I've had a good manic episode - just ask anyone who's been out to the house lately). Mania can also be very bad - bad mania consists of me getting violent and nasty - never a pretty sight.
A few years ago my drug doc put me on Lamictal in an attempt to curb the mood swings. Lamictal is God's gift to the world. I never knew they made a pill for a bad attitude, but they do, it's called Lamictal - ask for it by name and accept no substitutes. He also put me on Prozac and Buspar as well. I ingested this cocktail on a daily basis for a while until the doc and I decided I didn't need the Prozac as I was having no issues with depression, so I stayed with the Lamictal and my daily Buspar placebo.
A few years went by and in the summer of 2006 something happened. As I recall it was something silly but it threw me into a world of hurt. I had fallen and I couldn't get up. After two weeks of living in the gutter, I decided to go to the drug doc. He decided it would probably be a good idea to throw me on an anti-depressant even though I wasn't depressed, stating it would help me not limbo so low when I hit a down patch. He was also kind enough to give me the heads up that anti-depressants aren't always good for Bi-Polars as the pills can make you more manic. As with any good drug doc, he asked me what I wanted to be on. At the time I kept seeing those Depression Hurts commercials - you know they ones that show us depression hurts not only you but the others surrounding you as visualized by the sad dog longing for his owner to pay attention to him. These commercials always tore at my heart strings because I love my dogs and I don't want them to hurt, so I requested Cymbalta.
My initial experience with Cymbalta was horrific. I have never had a single side effect from the psychotic drugs (legal and illegal) that I had taken past but this shit was unlike anything I had ever taken. It was all around uncomfort. The only thing I can really liken it to is being 'ate up,' which is a term used by recreational users of the drug ecstasy. Being ate up from ecstasy is equivalent of being hung over from alcohol. General side effects include nausea, dizziness and an uncontrollable urge to grind your teeth - basically an overall shitty feeling. So here I was, feeling ate up, without even have had a good buzz the night before. This lasted two weeks or so until I slowly changed into what my office mates were calling Fortune Cookie Danielle. As Fortune Cookie Danielle I would go around the office and spout off profound thoughts such as There is no need to complain about things you can control and Why are your toenails stronger than your fingernails? This too faded, leaving me as Medicated Danielle, with a slice of mania every now and again to keep things interesting.
Last week I deemed myself cured and decided to kick my drug habit. I have a real fear of getting off Cymbalta, not only because of the withdraw symptoms, but also because I contribute it to the 20+ pounds of weight loss I've achieved (my biggest fear in life is being a fat girl with a pretty face). So here I am today. I haven't taken any mood altering medication since last Wednesday. You would think my now the Cymbalta withdraw symptoms would have ceased, but alas, you are poorly mistaken. My fingers keep going numb. I'm nauseous and tingley all over. I feel like a space cadet. I decided to turn to the web for guidance and it has not been uplifting.
What do I do now? The only thing I can. I'm going to get a bottle of Dasani and take my meds. I'm gonna be an addict forever.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Boost Mobile
Something recently happened to the cell phone of the E.B.V.’s boyfriend. What exactly happened, I’m not sure, but it doesn’t matter. As the boy had to get a new phone, he opted to change carriers as well – his new carrier, Boost Mobile.
The E.B.V. sends a text message to her boy but doesn’t receive a response. WTF?! The stalker trait starts coming out. As if he had been forewarned, he suddenly rings her to let her know he is unable to figure out how to use the text messaging function on his new Boost Mobile Phone. The E.B.V. tells him she’ll show him when he gets home (guys are so dumb). Later in the afternoon, she gets a text message that reads ‘That's Tight!’ Huh?
Apparently Boost Mobile is the new pay as you go plan marketed toward the, uh, urban population.
The E.B.V. provided me with the following first hand knowledge:
New Boost Mobile phones come with the most "commonly-used" text messages preprogrammed. Who needs to have to retype:
1. Where You At?
2. What Up?
3. That's Tight!
Ringtones available by default:
1. "Where You At"
2. "Mouth Music" - i.e. human beat box
3. "Mama Callin" - it is my understanding the exact words are (phonetically-spelled) "HEY FOO, PICK UP THE PHONE, DIS YO MAMA CALLIN'"
After doing some research I have found that Boost Mobile has been providing cellular service since 2006. Their plans seem to be competitive and they even have an anthem.
The E.B.V. sends a text message to her boy but doesn’t receive a response. WTF?! The stalker trait starts coming out. As if he had been forewarned, he suddenly rings her to let her know he is unable to figure out how to use the text messaging function on his new Boost Mobile Phone. The E.B.V. tells him she’ll show him when he gets home (guys are so dumb). Later in the afternoon, she gets a text message that reads ‘That's Tight!’ Huh?
Apparently Boost Mobile is the new pay as you go plan marketed toward the, uh, urban population.
The E.B.V. provided me with the following first hand knowledge:
New Boost Mobile phones come with the most "commonly-used" text messages preprogrammed. Who needs to have to retype:
1. Where You At?
2. What Up?
3. That's Tight!
Ringtones available by default:
1. "Where You At"
2. "Mouth Music" - i.e. human beat box
3. "Mama Callin" - it is my understanding the exact words are (phonetically-spelled) "HEY FOO, PICK UP THE PHONE, DIS YO MAMA CALLIN'"
After doing some research I have found that Boost Mobile has been providing cellular service since 2006. Their plans seem to be competitive and they even have an anthem.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)