I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Type I close to 15 years ago and have had a love/hate relationship with psychotic medications since. I've been on many a pill over the past decade, each one coming in with a promise to make me a normal, productive member of society.
In the early days, I dealt mainly with depression, which worked out fairly well since I tended to be on the gothic side back in my day. As I've aged (ever so gracefully) the depression has morphed into mania coupled severe mood swings. Side Note on Mania - Mania can be fun. There's nothing like getting 'meth head manic' on a Saturday and cleaning your house from floor to ceiling (needless to say, it's been a while since I've had a good manic episode - just ask anyone who's been out to the house lately). Mania can also be very bad - bad mania consists of me getting violent and nasty - never a pretty sight.
A few years ago my drug doc put me on Lamictal in an attempt to curb the mood swings. Lamictal is God's gift to the world. I never knew they made a pill for a bad attitude, but they do, it's called Lamictal - ask for it by name and accept no substitutes. He also put me on Prozac and Buspar as well. I ingested this cocktail on a daily basis for a while until the doc and I decided I didn't need the Prozac as I was having no issues with depression, so I stayed with the Lamictal and my daily Buspar placebo.
A few years went by and in the summer of 2006 something happened. As I recall it was something silly but it threw me into a world of hurt. I had fallen and I couldn't get up. After two weeks of living in the gutter, I decided to go to the drug doc. He decided it would probably be a good idea to throw me on an anti-depressant even though I wasn't depressed, stating it would help me not limbo so low when I hit a down patch. He was also kind enough to give me the heads up that anti-depressants aren't always good for Bi-Polars as the pills can make you more manic. As with any good drug doc, he asked me what I wanted to be on. At the time I kept seeing those Depression Hurts commercials - you know they ones that show us depression hurts not only you but the others surrounding you as visualized by the sad dog longing for his owner to pay attention to him. These commercials always tore at my heart strings because I love my dogs and I don't want them to hurt, so I requested Cymbalta.
My initial experience with Cymbalta was horrific. I have never had a single side effect from the psychotic drugs (legal and illegal) that I had taken past but this shit was unlike anything I had ever taken. It was all around uncomfort. The only thing I can really liken it to is being 'ate up,' which is a term used by recreational users of the drug ecstasy. Being ate up from ecstasy is equivalent of being hung over from alcohol. General side effects include nausea, dizziness and an uncontrollable urge to grind your teeth - basically an overall shitty feeling. So here I was, feeling ate up, without even have had a good buzz the night before. This lasted two weeks or so until I slowly changed into what my office mates were calling Fortune Cookie Danielle. As Fortune Cookie Danielle I would go around the office and spout off profound thoughts such as There is no need to complain about things you can control and Why are your toenails stronger than your fingernails? This too faded, leaving me as Medicated Danielle, with a slice of mania every now and again to keep things interesting.
Last week I deemed myself cured and decided to kick my drug habit. I have a real fear of getting off Cymbalta, not only because of the withdraw symptoms, but also because I contribute it to the 20+ pounds of weight loss I've achieved (my biggest fear in life is being a fat girl with a pretty face). So here I am today. I haven't taken any mood altering medication since last Wednesday. You would think my now the Cymbalta withdraw symptoms would have ceased, but alas, you are poorly mistaken. My fingers keep going numb. I'm nauseous and tingley all over. I feel like a space cadet. I decided to turn to the web for guidance and it has not been uplifting.
What do I do now? The only thing I can. I'm going to get a bottle of Dasani and take my meds. I'm gonna be an addict forever.
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