Medication Update

So I've been unmedicated for about two months and all seemed to be going well until yesterday when the bad side of me took over. Something didn't go my way and then I turned. Call me a spoiled brat if you'd like but I do get pissy when my best laid plans fail and pissier when I don't get what I want (gimme a break - I'm an only child for God's sake). So what did I do? I popped some Xanax.

I haven't touched the stuff since January when I popped at least 20 of those puppies between 8p and 5a the next morning and then decided to go out for a drive around 6a (I was craving McDonald's dammit!). My pill popping (ex-boy)friend did nothing to stop me. He was, however, kind enough to move his car so I could get out of my driveway. After that night, I decided neither Xanax or the ex were good influences in my life.

I got home yesterday on the verge of tears. I was unsure what to do with myself so I hit the (prescription) bottle. I popped two of those little pills, then remembered 2 never really had too much of an effect on me so I took another. 15 seconds later I said fuck it and took at fourth (I like even numbers). Needless to say, I passed out around 7p and slept the full night through.
I woke up this morning moving a bit slow due to my anti-anxiety hangover, but I was still in a shitty mood. What else could I do but say, "Thank you sir, may I have another?" So I did.
I feel like I may possibly be beginning the start to spiraling out of control. But who the fuck cares? It doesn't seem like I do.

I felt similar to this a few months ago and penned the missive below. I'm not sure why I feel the need to share it with all of you but again, who the fuck cares? Not I.


Self destruction is my construction.
I don't feel like I've even been put first - I'm always on the back burner.
Even my parents have chosen their significant others over me,
leaving me feeling unwanted.
Unneeded.
Uncared for.
Unused.
Abused.
Peruse
through my brain
and feel the pain
and the sadness surrounding,
as your mind is hounding,
for you to stand up and take charge,
but at large
is all of your self respect and dignity
missing indefinitely
from your day to day routine.
Obscene.
Unseen
by the naked eye.
By why,
oh why,
would someone want to be inside me?
The unworthy.
Unloved.
Having been shoved
to the side
(what a surprise!)
and left on the road.
Story untold.
But no one's listening anyway.