Sheer Laziness

When I have weekend tasks to complete, I usually get up at 7a or so and take care of everything first thing in the morning as to leave the rest of my day free. My alarm went off Saturday morning and my body told me to stay in bed. I finally got up a little before noon and scrambles into the kitchen for some grub - but alas, my cupboard was bare. I decide to go to the grocery store and what the hell, while I’m out I’ll head to the Home Depot too. It was the weekend and I was feeling lazy - too lazy to put on a bra so I opened my closet and pulled out my sticky bra. You’ve seen these things. They’re like silicon implants that stick to your chest making wearing strapless or spaghetti strapped tanks no problem. I venture off in the dead heat of the afternoon to run my menial errands, boobs stuck on. Although Home Depot is only a half mile from my house, by the time I arrived it was hot and I was sweaty. As I walked up to the store I felt an odd sensation on my left breast, it felt like the sticky bra was slipping. Yikes. I walked around the store with my arms crossed in hopes of keeping my boobs at boob level. After checking out I ran to the car to avoid any type of mishap. Once in my trusty automobile I turned the A/C on full blast to cool off the breasticles. I mosey on to the grocery store where I’m faced with a dilemma – go inside with nothing underneath my shirt or head in with my slipping silicon implants. The A/C had really cooled my chest down. I checked the boobs and they seemed to be holding their own so I head on in. 10 seconds out of the car and I start to feel the slip again. I start running into the store longing for the cool breeze of the air conditioner. I finally get inside but I’m not cooling down fast enough, they’re still slipping. I start doing this god awful chest grab in the middle of the store aisles trying to stick the puppies back in place. No luck. Again I cross my arms and hope this will be a quick shopping experience. Finally I find all my items, get to the check out line, and start throwing my groceries on the conveyor belt as quickly as I can. Unloading a grocery cart is not a two handed task however it’s quite difficult to unload a cart with one hand and try to hold up your chest with the other. The crazy bargain shopper I am I bought a massive jar of pickles (if the world ends I will have enough pickles to survive for at least a month) and had to grab it with both hands to prop it up on the belt. All the sudden the left one goes. I look down and it was like Alien or something – I had this weird lump protruding from my stomach. I tried to use my purse as a shield to no avail. Again I run out to the car and start shoveling my goods into the trunk. By the time it was said and done I had 2 pair of breasts – the ones on my chest and the new pair on my stomach. I got into the car, stretched out the bottom of my shirt, and ~PLOP~ they fall into my lap.

The moral of this story – it’s okay to be lazy but you should never be too lazy to hook a clasp.