You missed me didn't you?

I didn't expect to see you so soon. Must be my lucky day.

I came to a realization today. You know how they say people who say they don't want to be in a relationship just haven't found someone they want to be in a relationship with? I've decided to apply this basic theory to my life. The past few years I've been classifying myself as anti-social. I have determined I'm not anti-social - I just haven't found anyone I want to be social with. I tend to stay at home and don't venture out too much - I haven't found anywhere I really want to go. I eat tons of junk food - I haven't found a lot of healthy food I like to eat. And finally, I don't want to be in a relationship - I haven't found anyone I want to be in a relationship with(?).

I honestly do not believe I want to be in a relationship. Why? Because I am extremely selfish. My little world is entitled All About D. I do not want to give any of my time to anyone. Is it because I haven't found someone I want to give my time to? Circles...

1st Post! 1st Post!

Why you wonder am I popping my proverbial blog cherry? Your guess is as good as mine.

Me: I'm 28, single and have no children. You know sometimes I almost wish I got knocked up a decade ago.

As strong and confident I may seem on the outside I am a frightened little girl. I'm nearly 30 and this is it petrifies me. Many many years ago I had a very different outlook on life. Life at that time was something very dark and painful; something I wanted no part of. I never saw myself living to be over the age of 18. Yet here I am pushing 30. I look at this (in my mind) extra time I have been given and wonder - Have I made the most of life? What are my priorities? Are they straight? Am I doing what I should be doing? Should I be doing more?

About a year ago I started (what I can call only for lack of better terminology) a spiritual journey. I was sitting here, right here in this very spot, listening to Bob Marley's Redemption Song. I must have heard and sang along to this song a thousand times but this day was different - today I understood the lyrics. Emancipate yourself from mental slavery - none but ourselves can free our minds. It was then that I realized all of this.. this thing we call life is just how we perceive, interpret, and process both internal and external events. The only battle is in your mind.

I fight this battle often. You see I live constant internal conflict. Everyone who knows me knows me to be extreme. It is black or white. I cannot see the color gray. I live everyday like I'm not granted tomorrow. I live everyday like I'll be here tomorrow so I don't have to pay for today's consequences. I believe that everyone is good at heart. I believe a person acts only when the action benefits themselves. My problem is I usually see black and white simultaneously. This leaves me over analyzing everything surrounding me. I have to codify everyone I meet, as well as all of my experiences, so they can be categorized by color. For me it is a black/white thing.

It is what it is. But what is it?