Debating

I am seriously debating how much information I disclose on this blog. I don't know how many people are reading this. Some who may be reading would be severely concerned over my current actions. I've gotten away with it all for years because I never told anyone what was going on with me. I've got people who are 'worried' me. Don't. I've caused enough stress to those who 'care' about me and I don't want to cause any additional stress. Frankly, I just don't give a damn anymore. Fuck it, why not spill it all?

Did you know my 'boyfriend' and I broke up over a week ago? You didn't? I didn't either due to my drug induced haze. It's my fault. I feel like an ass. Had I known I would have never contacted him in my 'time of need'. I cannot explain what a fucking idiot I feel like. Again, I am humiliated and embarrassed. I found this information out yesterday and had a bit of an episode. What better way to celebrate beside hitting the 'bottle'? I spoke with him last night and had the same conversation he tells me we've been having for weeks. He then asked if I was going to remember the conversation we were currently having. I do/did. I was smart last night - I took notes.

They say the best way to get over a guy is to hop in bed with another. Unfortunately I can't even leave my house to find a replacement. I have a few in mind that would be easy conquests, however, it would be quite vindictive to my latest ex-boyfriend and I'm better than that. Right? Right?! If you answered 'yes' then you have far more confidence in me than I do in myself.

What's wrong with me? I couldn't keep the fat guy. I couldn't keep the married (but separated - his wife wasn't living with him and she already had plans to get remarried) man. I couldn't keep Robert Blake (those who really know me understand why I would include him). The list just goes on and on. So again I ask, what the fuck is wrong with me? This 'it's not you, it's me' stuff is utter bullshit. I give up.

I feel so low and worthless right now. I'm not by any means pitying myself. I just don't care for me right now. Any one who's listened to the Judybats will know the song 'Ugly on the Outside'. This is the opposite of how I feel. The lyrics need to be changed to say So sweet, you're ugly on the outside; Some fright, you're pretty on the outside. I am a horrible person with nothing but my job, house and dogs, and at this point I don't care of I have those things tomorrow. Karma is a bitch, but I really thought I had paid it off at this point. Wrong again. But what's new?

I've been told my multiple people that it's time to drop my hard exterior and start trusting people. Every time I let someone in I get fucked and hurt. This shit with Robert Blake is just what I need right now - it's just the icing on the cake. However, I will get over this like I do everything else - with resentment, bitterness and hatred. Not toward him/them by any means, but toward myself for being such dumb ass for letting someone get close to me.

I am heart broken. I am defeated. I am back on the 'junk'. I understand that sleeping through this won't solve my problems. They'll still be there in the morning, but at least for a brief time the sadness and emptiness goes away. It's sad really. I threw the bottle of Xanax in my purse just in case. Well, that's semi-true. The bottle is in my purse waiting for 5:30p to roll around so by the time I get home, the pain will be temporarily gone.

One a lighter note, I slept over 12 hours last night. I woke up at 4a but was able to roll over and pass back out. I'm still having problems with the food thing. I'm usually an emotional over eater, but this time I've been an emotional under eater. This'll be day two sans nourishment, but I am keeping hydrated. I've always joked about giving myself an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia but never had the will power. Now I just have no desire nor do I want to eat. Another lighter note, I'm down another pound. Two more and I'll be the same weight I was in my late teens - early twenties. Maybe then nothing will be wrong with me.

Note to self and all reading - When you go to a psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist and they ask you, "Do you feel like you're going to hurt yourself or someone else?" The answer is always NO.

Again, don't worry about me. Don't stress about me. It always works itself out in the end, some how, some way.

NOTE - I know a few of you from Jeff's site read my blog. If for whatever reason you have the desire to contact me (because you're 'concerned' or 'worried' I'm sure), please do not send me a PM through the site. I have no desire to go back there right now. It's way too heart breaking. Today will mark my last sign in for God knows how long. Send me an email through my website (http://www.danielleisonline.com/) or edm4879@yahoo.com.

Regarding my site, I will not take down the Robert Blake stuff for historical purposes, however, links will be deleted once I have the energy to do something other than sob.