Swimming

I don't think I want to be happy. I have been content in my misery for many years now. I don't understand the need to change it. Aren't there just people in the world that are supposed to be depressed all the time? Can't I just be one of them?

I remember why I don't like medication. Cymbalta. Effexor. Prozac. Lamictal. Zoloft. It's the numbness. At times it seems I lack all feeling within. Funny how I abuse a different medication for the numbness. Is it better to feel pain and sadness than to feel nothing at all?

Right now as I look around everything seems surreal, like I'm looking out of a dead man's eyes.

Still nursing a broken heart. I'm embarassed to say I miss him horribly. Should I admit that 'him' could probably be anyone who pretended to care and who could make the emptiness subside even if it's only for a few minutes? Is that the truth? I don't even know any more. That's not true, I certainly know. This medication confuses me. I'm having a hard time seeing clearly. Do you think he misses me?

It's hard to deal with the constant fighting in my head. The war is raging and there's no where to run for cover. I'm constantly being pulled, being shoved, not comfortable with any decision, action or reaction around me. I hate the gray. Seeing both the black and the white. Living in the eternal gray. I can't make the pain and sadness go away. Examining, re-examining, playing the devil's advocate at every turn. Unable to make a conscience decision as every outcome has already played out in my mind. How do you make it go away?

Black blood. Broken heart. She doomed all love from the start.

It's easy to forget to take those pills.