Today. A New Day?

I'm feeling better today although I am still 'using.' I think I do it because I am petrified of what may happen when I'm at home alone. At least this way I'm basically incoherent and incapable of doing something that could potentially be harmful. The emptiness and despair are still there in the morning when I wake up, but at least I had a few hours of not feeling.

I really think my Xanax issue will subside soon. Hopefully next week I'll be blogging about how I'm off it (but probably will be back on it in a week or so).

The sexual abuse book came in the mail today (thank you Amazon for not fucking me over on this one). I've been perusing it and am not sure how I feel.

Here's a few quotes:

There's more than anger, more than sadness, more than terror. There's hope. ~Edith Horning, Survivor (My comment - gag)
If you are willing to work hard and find good support, you will not only heal but thrive ~Book Authors (My comment - I'm tired of working)
It is a tremendous relief to stop running from the pain ~Book Authors (My comment - I've been running for years - why stop now)
If I'd knew anything could hurt this much or be this sad, I never would have decided to heal. And at the same time you can't go back. You can't sweep it under the rug. ~Book Authors I assume (My comment - Hmph!)
Sometimes I think I'm going to die from the sadness. Not that anyone ever died from crying for two hours, but it sure feels like it ~Book Authors I assume (My comment - I actually agree with this one)

Does that make you feel uplifted? Not so much for me.

Book Contents:
Chapter 1 - Healing Is Possible
Chapter 2 - The Decision to Heal
Chapter 3 - The Emergency Stage
Chapter 4 - Remembering
Chapter 5 - Believing It Happened
Chapter 6 - Breaking the Silence
Chapter 7 - Understanding It Wasn't Your Fault
Chapter 8 - The Child Within
Chapter 9 - Anger
Chapter 10 - Forgiveness?
Chapter 11 - Spirituality
Chapter 12 - The Process of Change
Chapter 13 - Resolution and Moving On

I'm sure this book is meant to be helpful but I just don't know. Maybe I should skip to Chapters 5, 7 and 9. Let me just say this book is all of 95 pages, and that's a lot of stuff to be addressed. But then again, that must be why it's called Beginning to Heal. I'm sure I'll have to pick up the next book by these people The Courage to Heal. Baby steps.

I still don't believe my issues rise from this sexual abuse like the lady feels it does, but she is the professional and at this point I'll try to do anything possible to try to get 'sane' again. When I ran away from home nearly 15 years ago (fuck, I'm getting old) I spent a few days at these guys' home, Todd and RC. I was fed 20 roofies in a period of two days, was given multiple MDMA caps and God knows what else. I had sex with at least two people (as I recall). The lady is calling this rape. So here's my run down - Molested at two; Molested again multiple times between 11 and 12; Rape 1 at 15; Rapes 2 & 3 at 15 (almost 16, these would count as the drugged ones when I ran away from home); and finally Rape 4 around 16 or 17. Talk about me being a statistic. I guess I had some very traumatic experiences in my life. Wow. Molestation and multiple rapes. I'm surprised I'm still around. That must be why I never saw myself living over the age of 18.

It will take a long time for me to admit my worthlessness doesn't stem from my mother. I still believe the sexual abuse thing is just something that happened in my life. I believe I've acknowledged and accepted it and that it is what it is. I can't believe the abuse has caused me to have these serious trust issues. And I guess until I believe it, there's no reason for treatment.

The lady said it would be good to keep a journal. I've decided this blog will be my main journal. Why not? I'm at the point I don't care what people know about me. It's made me who I am today and without these experiences I wouldn't really be 'myself.'

I used to tell the kooky girls in my office who were going mental at the time that tomorrow is a new day and will be better than today. If only I believed that and was able to take my own advise.

And finally I have to give a shout out to my girl the EBV or EVB (I can't remember right now). She called me last night and it made me feel better that someone in another city cares about me and my well being. You know, my parents and 'friends' haven't called me since the melt down, but the EBV took time out of her evening to check on me. I almost cried, but in a very good way.