As promised, I wrote a brief synopsis on my life for my first therapy session. I would really like to post a link but I can't because there is something in there I don't believe I've ever told a soul. There are a few more things that are somewhat intruding on my privacy, that I've accepted and have accepted for years and will share some of them below.
I'm not 100% sure what I think of all this therapy stuff yet. What I thought was abandonment issues with my mother may actually be from traumatic (sexual) experiences in my life. This lady tells me that I'll be reading a lot. The first book on the list: Beginning to Heal, A First Book for Men and Women Who Were Sexually Abused as Children. Huh? I really thought I had shoved all of that into the back of my mind, but maybe that's the problem, it's never really been addressed. I went to Borders to try to find the book but they didn't have it in stock. I called Barnes & Noble but the Carrollwood location doesn't have it, but I can go to St. Pete, Clearwater or Brandon. Can I get a hell to the no? I've ordered it from Amazon with one day priority shipping. I better have that sucker tomorrow or I will not be a happy camper. The lady says in time, when I'm ready, we are going to work on EMDR therapy which I've never heard of but I guess it sounds kind of interesting. Anything that'll make me sane, right? The lady also said that at some point I will need to start making later appointments so I won't have to go back to work after her session. What the fuck is she going to do with me?
Do I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? I am still absolutely floored that she feels the sexual abuse is the root of all my evil. I am totally speechless over this. I really thought it was mainly my mother but there appears to be more involved. I made some comment about my mother dipping when I was two and that's where my trust issues lay, but she was pretty adamant that the bad, bad trauma to me was mainly the cause being sexual abuse. I guess because it stared at such a young age.
Yes, I went home last night and popped what I needed to pop in order to sleep the sadness away. As The Ramones said I Wanna Be Sedated. I am, however, feeling a bit better today. There were fewer tears yesterday than from the day before. I am still harvesting a lot of guilt, hopelessness, and worthlessness but hopefully, after months or possible years of therapy I should be basically cured. I hope I can hold out that long.
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Waving fingers in front of your eyes? Really? Really? I guess it sounds interesting though. Hmm, "cures lack of motivation", sign me up. Maybe she's right about some of the stuff. Not that I've really heard the whole story, but it always seemed like the way it was handled was weird. I seriously hope that you will someday be able to put this isht behind you. PLEASE keep your appointments.
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