Who You Callin' Mental?

Surprisingly enough, yesterday wasn't as bad as the previous days. I managed to get though the whole day at work without crying, holding the sobbing literally until I got in the car to go home. I hit that car and the tears just started flowing like a wild ass river.

People have been telling me I look like hell, so I went to Mary today to find out exactly why so I could appropriately mask it. Am I too pale? I can tan if need be. Am I to thin? Fuck you, that's not gonna change. Apparently I look very, very tired and was asked if I was putting myself into a drug induced coma in the evenings. Hmph. I'll work on my make up in the morning in hopes of not looking so burned out. But I am burned out, dammit! I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Stick a fork in me because I am done.

I thought it would be a good idea to give my manager my Dad's phone number just in case. I told her this was not a cry for help or anything like that but I wanted to make sure she knew who my emergency contact was in case I pass out a work or something. Her response to me was "I already have it. I looked it up online, just in case." Fuck, I smell an intervention. I let her know that if I go to my parents house and see her car outside, I'm not stopping. She laughed and said, "You don't know what my mom's car looks like." I then let her know if there was ANY car outside my folks house that didn't belong to an immediately family member, I would not stop. I WILL NOT GO TO THE LOONEY BIN. I will have to be involuntarily committed to do so - I absolutely will not go on my own.

As far as my boyfriend and I breaking up, I think I may have known, and intentionally tried to forget about it with my special numbing medication. How do I know, you ask? When I cut myself up last week, it was my broken heart I carved into my arm.

Well, I get to go to therapy tomorrow. I meant to write a brief synopsis of my life, I figured that would get me through a couple of sessions, but I've not been in the mood to do anything but sleep, and boy can I sleep! Yes, my sleep is drug induced but sleep it is!

I went to Checkers this afternoon determined to keep something down. I managed to eat almost half of the burger and half the fries and have been struggling like holy hell to keep it down. Hey, some progress is better than no progress at all.